The BEFORE being naked

Are you really putting in the effort your sex life needs?

Effort… is love not enough to create sexual desire?

The biggest lie about sexual desire is that it happens easily and spontaneously. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but hormones are not the biggest influence on your libido. At the start of a relationship, it feels like sexual desire comes naturally, without much effort. When you really think about it, you realise that isn’t quite the case.

Before going on a date with someone we’re seeing, we get ready and make ourselves as sexy as possible to get a positive and often flattering reaction. We picture how the evening will go and anticipate an ending that might involve sex. All evening, we tease, we seduce the other person, we let ourselves be seduced, we touch… In short, we build sexual tension step by step. The first move we make is generally not to touch our partner’s genitals. We build up in a crescendo to slowly awaken our own desire and theirs: touches, sexy and playful looks, sometimes shy, sometimes fully owned. We slowly touch the other person with our fingertips, eventually taking their hand and stroking the inside of their thigh. We wait before the first kiss and the tension builds and builds and builds! This can repeat many times at the start of a relationship, when you can’t wait to see your partner again.

Novelty… the great seducer?

Of course! Novelty fuels sexual desire at the start of a relationship. We explore the other person’s body, their sexual style, their preferences and their fantasies. We embark on a romantic and sexual adventure with them for a few months or years, which stirs up attraction toward our partner. Eventually, though, it can start to feel like sexual routine sets in and things become more repetitive.

Over time, you start to feel the difference in sexual desire between partners. Refusals start to appear and rejection can be felt. Conflicts can sometimes follow and create dynamics between the higher-desire partner (HDP) and the lower-desire partner (LDP).

Where is the script in all of this?

Mistake number UNO in a relationship: stopping the creation of sexual scripts. But what is a sexual script? In other words, it is seduction and effort… yes, the EFFORT you are going to put into your sex life and into your relationship. We always say nothing in life is free — well, sex isn’t either. You have to earn it and take ownership of sexuality in your relationship. If the effort you put into having sex in your relationship is showing up and telling your partner you want sex, the odds are pretty slim that they have exactly the same level of desire at that very moment. Even if you’ve had a lovely day together!

If SEXUAL tension between you hasn’t been stirred by either of you, how can you expect to have sex? Notice how I underlined, capitalised and bolded the word “sexual”. I’m not talking here about showing love for the other person, which is certainly an important ingredient of sexual desire for some. But you do have to sexualise the atmosphere between you and your loved one. Seduction is a game to play and enjoy! Something that often comes more automatically at the start of a relationship and that we forget over time.

Love vs sex

If you look at, touch and speak soft, tender words to your partner, you will tend to stir romantic feeling, but probably less the exciting, desiring part of them. I’m not saying stop showing affection, but you have to give a sexual “vibe” to the way you seduce. You have to see yourself as desirable and show your desire for the other person too. Esther Perel said that seduction is a game of hide-and-seek for adults. Each takes a turn reaching for the other through gestures, words, looks, touches — an approach sustained over time that gives off sex.

Obviously, you have to enjoy yourself while doing it in your relationship. If the first reaction is to flee your partner’s approach, there may be other issues to explore and think about on your own or in couples therapy.

Is porn to blame for all of this?

Partly yes. Partly no. We all know that pornography doesn’t offer very elaborate scripts for the BEFORE BEING NAKED. Sometimes they are simply non-existent. Our fantasies can also lack those more elaborate scripts. I would say that the pursuit of performance and the lack of sexual presence are more likely the causes behind that lack of effort we sometimes find in long-term relationships.

So we have to question our BEFORE BEING NAKED scripts to properly grasp what might be creating that lack of sexual desire between partners. There are obviously many other things to consider about this difficulty in a relationship. But you have to start at the beginning. Imagine that sex is a cake and that the flour — the essential ingredient — is seduction. Without seduction and build-up, the cake isn’t likely to be very appetising, even if all the other ingredients are there.

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist and psychotherapist, Montreal

Specialising in couples therapy

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