Falling into the sexual routine
Where has my libido gone?
The killer routine!
We all know that routine kills sexual desire in a couple. After a few years, we get tired of making love with the same person, doing it in the same way and being able to predict the next “moves” of the other. We all know the mantra: “You have to vary your sex life if you want to continue having sex”. By the way, if you want more details about couples therapy, you can consult our page dedicated to couples therapy.
What does it mean: “vary your sex life”.
yes… It’s not really clear to many people. Should you buy sex toys? Doing “trips” à la Christian Grey (50 Shades of Grey)? Buy the Kama Sutra and stretch before sex? Change rooms, do it in public or get out the whipped cream? And if I don’t feel like it, we’ll never have sex?
We can certainly have this type of practice to spice up our sex life. On the other hand, putting the television tilted to the side to watch the same movie for the 250th time… We understand that it’s always the same film. We know the outcome, the surprises, the explosions and the jokes even before they happen. Nothing to surprise and be cheerful about what is to come next.
In this sense, changing rooms, sexual positions or integrating sex toys will not bring sex life to a torrid and passionate experience. This may bring a little variety, but nothing that will last over time.
The Killer Sex Routine
So, what do we do?
Too often in my office, couples embark on a ton of quick changes to their sexuality, but not very significant in depth. They want quick and effective solutions without much effort on their part. Yet, isn’t that where we want to put the effort? Isn’t it important to give importance and time to your partner if you don’t want to take him/her for granted? Don’t we want the other person to take care of us, our relationship and our sexuality?
But sex and sexual desire are supposed to be natural!
No, not at all. There is nothing natural about sexuality. You are not born a “sex bomb” (as Tom Jones said), you become one. Think about your first sexual encounter. Were you confident, charming, skillful, natural, and attractive? Did you know how to kiss as a teenager? Probably not! The first few times are often awkward, awkward, and often full of uncertainty and anxiety. With time you get better and you get better… for a while. Eventually, we hit the wall of sexual incompetence again. And now the next stage of your sex life begins.
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| Rediscovering the joy of sex |
Changing the paradigm of sexuality
You are certainly familiar with sexual performance. This is what makes our sexual relationships satisfying and intoxicating. Being with a partner who knows about it and has good techniques is a guarantee of sexual success. This formula works well in the early years when one seeks to increase sexual arousal as high and often as quickly as possible. It is precisely this formula that kills desire over time.
When we focus on sexual performance, we do what we know and what works. Touch here, touch there and BOOM, orgasm. Sometimes we touch up here and we touch up there and “piouuuuuuhhhhh”, there’s not much that happens. This happens over several months, or even years. There are ups and downs, but the slope of satisfaction is constantly descending.
And that’s how routine sets in in a couple who have been making love for a long time. When the objective is to excite the other person and yourself, we use our formula repeatedly with small variations and it works less and less over time. This leads to anxiety and insecurities, as you start to feel incompetent, unwanted, and nervous during sex.
And that’s how routine sets in in a couple who have been making love for a long time. When the objective is to excite the other person and yourself, we use our formula repeatedly with small variations and it works less and less over time. This leads to anxiety and insecurities, as you start to feel incompetent, unwanted, and nervous during sex.
The erection may be more difficult or half-soft, the lubrication less abundant, the orgasms rarer or non-existent. Desire and passion are slowly dying out, because satisfaction is no longer there. Spontaneity and surprise are rare and seduction is almost non-existent. Sometimes we desperately try to try again with the same formula hoping for different results.
What will really bring change and variation to your sexual relationships will be your ability to change the tone and relationship dynamics during your lovemaking. If you introduce a sex toy into your sexuality and keep the same attitude, the same anxiety and the same mode of sexual performance, you make love in the same way except that you have a piece of rubber in your hand!
However, if we change the way we look, our touch and our intentions when we try to seduce and initiate the sexual relationship, we take our sexuality to a whole new level.
- Do you look your partner in the eye for long periods of time? (1 minute or more)
- How do you feel connected to your partner during sex?
- What is your inner speech during the whole process? From seduction to the end?
- How do you seduce and arouse desire in yourself and in others?
- What variations do you use to seduce you?
- How would you describe your sexual style? (intense, dirty, sweet, tender, emotional, funny, sexual, genital, fast, raunchy, flamboyant, creative, intense, emotional, loving, etc.)
- How would you describe your partner’s?
- What do you think makes a sexual relationship satisfying? (orgasm, presence with the other, duration, rigidity of the penis, intensity of the connection to the other, letting go, fusion with the other, etc.)
- What makes sex satisfying according to your partner?
- What makes you desirable as a sexual partner?
- What do you like about your partner sexually?
- What does he/she like about you?
- What do you like less?
- Have you talked about it?
- What does he/she like less?
- Has he/she told you about it?
Kill the routine!
Sexuality is not just a matter of pirouette or introducing the funkiest things possible, although it can sometimes be very interesting. It is a sexual RELATIONSHIP with the other. This connection can be romantic or sexual or even both. When we take the time to feel and enjoy all our sensations of the body, of connection and presence with the other rather than wanting to perform, variety is more easily integrated.
Read more:
Sexual performance decreases sexual satisfaction!?
François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal
