Turning the slope of declining sexual desire: A New Pact of Integrity

The previous article explained that asking the PPD (Partenaire with moresexual desire) to reduce his sexual advances towards the PMD (Partenaire with lesssexual desire) and for the latter to be more active in seduction leads the couple to worsen the situation they are trying to solve. Too often, this agreement between partners is the last hope for improving sexuality in the relationship. Therapists also unfortunately make this mistake by recommending this type of dynamic.

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Perceiving rejection differently

PPD experiences a lot of rejection in the difference in sexual desire with their better half, the PMD. It also tolerates it less and less in the relationship with time, and becomes less desirable in general the more it is rejected by the LDC. The PPD must learn to be refused when she makes sexual advances. Just because one partner desires the other doesn’t mean it’s reciprocal at the same time at that time of day. Stop taking the refusal personally and it will weigh less heavily on the atmosphere of the relationship.

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• Ask yourself if your behaviors, attitudes, and approach toward your partner are really desirable? Have you become unpleasant with the multiple refusals?

• Do you put effort into seduction or do you simply initiate your sexual relations? (e.g., asking the other person if they want to have sex)

 

• Have you always been respectful of your partner and their boundaries in the relationship and sexuality? (e.g., sulking, criticizing, complaining, denigrating)

• Do you perceive yourself as a sexually desirable person or do you just want YOUR partner to find you desirable?

 

• Is your approach an invitation to share an intimate moment together or a request to respond only to YOUR sexual desire?

 

• Is the sexuality you offer of good quality? Do you have a sexual presence and sexual connection with the other in your sexuality? Do you accept sex out of pity?

 

Experiencing rejection is never really fun, but there is often a lesson to be learned. When the LDC refuses you, it could mean that your approach was not the right one. Maybe the sexuality you offer is not so satisfying and interesting for the other person. Maybe if you find yourself more attractive and desirable, you’ll be more attractive to your partner too. You may sometimes be too pushy and don’t respect your lover. How are you going to change that dynamic from now on?

You should never stop showing real sexual desire towards your partner when you feel it. It is a sign of attraction and interest that you have in the other person. It is an invitation to share a moment of intimacy and sexual connection with the person you love. Are you really giving this to your partner? Have you ever discussed it frankly together?However, it is enough to act like an adult when the other person does not necessarily want to share this intimate moment at the same time as you. You have to be able to distinguish between inviting the other person to have sex and asking them by putting pressure. Do you enjoy seducing your partner? Has it become a task or a means to your end? When was the last time you surprised him?

 

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The LDC must constantly set its limits on the DPP. This weighs heavily in the long run and the latter simply wants the other to stop. The PMD wants a space to breathe and live in an atmosphere where there is not the constant pressure of having to respond to the sexual desires of the OTHER. We can’t really ask the other person not to desire us. This is one of the major reasons why you are in a relationship.

One can have the impression as PMD that this is the only reason our partner is with us. One gets the impression that the PPD of the couple only wants sexuality, all the time, at all times. This impression comes from the fact that the latter does not have his sexual desires met. So, he/she starts asking on Monday to receive what he/she would like to have on Friday. So you can feel the demand constantly. Sometimes even when the other probably does not (Devil’s Pact). The PMD has the task of learning to set limits in a respectful manner and tolerate the guilt that can make them experience for not meeting their partner’s needs. There is no obligation to fulfill all of our partner’s (sexual) desires. As a PMD You can refuse their request. On the other hand, the way you react can greatly help your relationship to experience this difference in the desired sexual frequency. If you say “NO” At the slightest sign of affection or sexual desire towards you, you risk causing your spouse to experience rejection and most likely humiliation. Generally, these are not the emotions that we want to establish in our relationship, unless we are doing normal marital sadism.

 

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• How do you feel when your lover seduces you or tries to initiate a sexual relationship?

• Do you dare to take the first steps towards your partner or are you afraid of being rejected too?

 

• Are you trying to give the runner a chance and increase your sexual desire or do you feel you have to have it immediately?

• Do you offer another option for an intimate moment or are you adamant in your refusal?

 

• Do you feel that you can end at any point in the process to and during sex? When is it too late for you to end it?

• Do you make an effort to stimulate and nurture sexual desire in your relationship or do you take your partner for granted?

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Maintaining its integrity

 

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Learn more about the authorFrançois Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal