Emotional impasseUnderlying Causes of Couple Conflict Couples will always…
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Emotional
impasse
Underlying Causes of Couple Conflict
Couples will always argue and this is inevitable. This is not the pleasant part of a couple, as we all wish to have a harmonious love life. Unfortunately, but fortunately also, this is not the case. People can’t agree on everything in their relationship, especially when the subject is important and touches on a person’s core values. Our self or more commonly called our identity plays an immense role in romantic relationships. It is also impossible to compromise in all situations, because it becomes necessary to choose. Some decisions simply don’t allow for the best of both worlds to make everyone happy. Some sacrifices must be made in a relationship and there are inevitable arguments surrounding these difficult choices.
Couples have regular conflicts and this is completely healthy. The important thing is to manage them well. It is not uncommon to find subjects in a couple, where neither of them is ready to deviate from their position. You don’t want to be wrong or don’t want to give up your point of view on a situation. Everyone is emotionally attached to their perception and each of these contradicts itself. This is called an emotional dead end! Signs of this are:
- Repetitive
- Quick frustration with certain topics
- Feeling misunderstood
- Believing that we are entirely right and our partner is in the field
- Not actually taking the time to think about what your partner is saying, but rather thinking about the next argument
- Our goal is to prove our point to be right
- Ignoring the other to hurt (normal marital sadism)
- and the list goes on
arguments
Many believe they have communication difficulties , which is false. The partners understand each other perfectly in these types of situations because they keep repeating the same arguments to each other. Each of them could repeat word for word what the other has already explained to them many times. The problem can be summed up like this: they simply don’t agree with what their partner is saying. No communication technique or negotiation will succeed in resolving the conflict. So we find ourselves in an emotional impasse, because neither partner wants to give in for the other. If one of them were to do so, they would have to redefine themselves or radically change their perspectives, which influences or modifies their personal identity. In other words, it’s a fight for everyone’s integrity.
In an emotional impasse, they also avoid making a decision. They face what we call a double choice-dilemma: having to choose between two diametrically opposed circumstances that force them to give up the advantages of the unchosen choice. We can therefore understand what leads each partner to stand up to their partner. We prefer to have the best of both worlds, without the disadvantages.
How do you get out of an emotional impasse?
This part is the most difficult to go through and where, at least one of the members of the couple, must have a strong emotional balance , to get through the dilemma that the couple is facing. It requires a lot of maturity, an ability to confront oneself, to accept half-truths, to avoid holding a grudge, to grow and change as an individual. It is important not to confuse this with compromises or a lack of integrity. Rather, it is a radical change in the dynamics of the couple. It only takes one partner to get there, and that makes change even more difficult. When one person decides to grow and “mature”, the other finds himself in a position of vulnerability. The one who changes, openly admits that he is not entirely right and makes a decision about his double choice-dilemma and renounces the other possibility. These partners went beyond their emotions of the moment and their own needs. They took the risk of growing up, although the situation could have been to their disadvantage.
It requires a lot of courage to question yourself and get to the end being a better person who has kept your integrity.
An emotional impasse is characterized by a war of the couple’s wills, their integrity, and their self (identity).
Productive conflicts
Romantic relationships have the ability to bring out the worst in people, but they can also show the best in us. There’s no denying that long-term relationships will always bring great challenges. Each individual has difficult choices to make. These choices determine whether we want to show the best of ourselves or the worst. You can choose to grow up and experience the anxiety necessary to get there or stay in an emotional impasse and be dissatisfied in your relationships. The choice seems easy, however choosing to grow up is one of the most difficult elements to accomplish in a couple and in our life.
Other articles:
Normal Marital Sadism: Learning to Hate Your Romantic Partner
A Collaborative Alliance: Your Romantic Relationship and Sex Life Depend on
ItA Collaborative Alliance (Part 2): Building and Maintaining It ArticleSeries: Sexual Intimacy and Sexual Desire
François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal
Discover a sexuality you really want by Reviving Sexual Desire in your relationship
A fulfilling and pleasant sex life does not happen spontaneously…
It needs to be recreated throughout your relationship.