Sexual Intimacy PART 4

Tolerating self-validated intimacy is difficult for everyone. It requires us to maintain a strong and flexible identity, to comfort ourselves, to offer thoughtful answers, and to maintain meaningful endurance. Each of these 4 points allows a person to be balanced in their relationship so that they can “mature” as an individual and as a partner. When one of these fails, the intimacy validated by the other takes its place and unresolved conflicts inevitably follow one another.

The way we perceive ourselves has an immense influence on our ability to reveal personal and intimate information to our partner. Our identity determines our confidence and self-esteem. Who am I? How am I perceived? What are my values and beliefs? How would I like to be treated? What am I looking for in a partner and in sexuality?

Some people have a particularly flexible identity. This allows them to act like a chameleon by changing their personality according to the context in which they find themselves. The intimacy validated by the other person plays a role at this stage. This type of person adapts to the other person to avoid rejection. They do not express what they really think and feel so as not to disturb, frustrate or start conflict with others. They are centered on the needs of others to constantly please. Ipso facto, they do not have their own identity.

As for sexuality, these people will not discuss their sexual preferences and fantasies, will not dismantle who they are sexually, either because they do not know it or do not want the other person to know. Soon enough, sexuality becomes routine and they will not talk about their sexual dissatisfaction with their partner.

There is also the opposite of this continuum, where people are rigid in the way they present themselves to others. They do not tolerate difference in their partner, as it does not confirm their identity. They then impose their way of thinking, acting and being in the world. They perceive differences as a threat to their identity, as it forces them to reflect on themselves and possibly change their perception and admit that they were wrong. This task is very difficult for people who have a rigid identity.

An emotionally balanced person has a strong and flexible identity. She has a good perception and pride in who she is as an individual. At the same time, she is able to leave others in her world without feeling threatened. They have the capacity for self-confrontation, introspection and openness to differences while having the possibility to change their perceptions of things. They are ready to explore new avenues, to change and grow like no other.

In a context of intimacy, it is not always easy to deal with all the emotions we may feel. Our bodies react in many different ways and we can be emotionally hurt in the process. This engenders a variety of thoughts in people’s heads, which are not the nicest aspects one can say (normal marital sadism).

For example, when a person is not completely satisfied with the sex life they share with their partner. First, it can be difficult to say this type of criticism to someone you love and appreciate, because you recognize that it can be hurtful. Secondly, the other has to deal with the fact that their sexual skills are not up to their expectations. This impacts their perception of themselves (solid-flexible identity), which could cause the person to become rigid or overly flexible towards their partner.

A person’s ability to self-comfort and calm themselves allows them to better manage the anxiety caused by such intense moments of intimacy. People who don’t have this ability either avoid intimacy as often as possible or they become explosive by interacting with their partner because they feel hurt.

In therapy, we often hear couples say that their arguments are going in circles and that they can’t find solutions. It is not because there is a difficulty or lack of communication. In fact, the partners are simply unable to agree on the solution to the dispute. This leads to a Emotional impasse And so the couple finds themselves in an unproductive conflict, as they don’t manage the underlying difficulties. The more intimate we become with a person, the more we realize the differences that separate us. These can be fundamental to the way in which one identifies oneself as an individual (solid-flexible identity).

When couples are obstinate about sexuality, for example the frequency of sexual relations; They face 2 choices: to have sex or not to have sex. One partner wants and the other doesn’t want sex. This step requires a decision to be made by the couple, which the majority tend to postpone or avoid altogether. It is absolutely impossible to make and not to make love. It’s one or the other! Most of the time, people have the unfortunate tendency to lose their ability to offer thoughtful answers. They want to get what THEY want so much that they are willing to say anything to get it, even if it makes no logical sense. They yell at each other or ignore their partner altogether to let them know that they don’t care about their opinion.

A thoughtful response is about taking the time to take a step back to analyze the situation and offer an intelligent response rather than the first ideas and thoughts that come to mind. They have had the ability to comfort themselves and are thinking of a mature way to respond so that the conflict becomes productive. The person who has learned this point of emotional balance takes the time to listen to their partner and offers thoughtful and intelligent answers to their partner. She is not trying to be right, but rather to grow and “mature” in this dilemma in order to better understand their partner, while maintaining a solid-flexible identity (integrity).

When faced with a conflict, the couple must decide whether they want to get through this obstacle in their relationship or end it due to an incompatibility. Differences in a couple create tensions, because it forces us to live with aspects of our partner that are not always pleasant.

Several couple dynamics put in place the avoidance of certain taboo and conflictual subjects to avoid quarrelling and threatening the romantic relationship (Collusive alliance). There is a status quo that is taking hold and no one is ready to address it, despite the fact that neither partner is happy in the couple. For example, not telling their partner that their sex life is redundant and that they would need a dose of creativity to revive it. All while enduring the lack of sexual satisfaction rather than managing the situation by stepping out of their comfort zone to become more sexually intimate.

The other possible reaction to a fundamental difference in the relationship is to immediately end the relationship. So, partners don’t have to deal with the inevitable discomfort if they interact more intimately to deal with their sexual difficulty.

Learning to tolerate the anxiety generated by self-validated intimacy is as difficult for women as it is for men. In long-term relationships, there are very difficult times when it would be easier to pack our bags and end the relationship. These moments test our limits, offer us the opportunity to “mature”, to grow as a person and as a couple. The anxiety of not knowing if you will get through these marital difficulties and feeling like you are wasting your time trying to improve the situation will create breakups in many couples. People with significant stamina give their best in a relationship. They confront each other, comfort themselves, and act in a mature way while tolerating the anxiety, discomfort, and difficult times that all long-term relationships have to deal with at some point.

François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

Lack of communication or difficulty tolerating intimacy?*text inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire by David Schnarch