What couple dynamics do you have?

Francois Renaud M.A 14 January 2025

A Collaborative Alliance:*

Couple dynamics: your romantic relationship and sex life depend on it

We would like to believe that a romantic relationship and sexuality are naturally easy for couples who are mature and healthy. Of course, there are some conflicts and clashes that are inevitable in any relationship. On the other hand, how do you get through a conflict that does not seem to be resolved? What are the elements that help overcome the biggest challenge(s) that all couples, at one time or another, will have to overcome?

Communication techniques won’t help you!

Lack of communication is rarely the cause of the problem in couples who are facing an emotional impasse. Relationships based on passion, romantic romance and attachment are usually short-lived. The key ingredient to a long-term romantic relationship is a collaborative alliance that involves loyalty and integrity. However, loyalty in the face of adversity requires a strong emotional balance. This balance is found in a good self-knowledge and self-responsibility, the ability to comfort ourselves, to offer thoughtful answers and significant endurance in the face of our anxieties and insecurities.

Different types of wedding rings

To maintain a collaborative alliance, it requires having these 4 points of emotional balance. Without these, the couple forges other types of alliances that are harmful to the personal growth and development of the couple.

There are collusive alliances where the members of the couple avoid real conflicts by ignoring them. These couples come to therapy with problems in sexuality, but not in other areas of their relationship. They describe themselves as a couple with good communication and do not understand the reasons for their sexual difficulties (often difficulties with sexual desire).

These couples are neither honest with their partner nor with themselves. They have not developed the ability to confront themselves or their partner when it is necessary to do so. This lack of loyalty and integrity kills sexual desire in the couple, but since no one wants to admit their wrongs; The conflict persists. What best describes this type of alliance is an implicit rule between the partners to avoid all forms of significant conflicts, as neither has the capacity to manage them.

There are also couples who have combative alliances. They like conflicts and they eat them for breakfast. It’s their way of being in relationship with each other. They say everything that bothers them about the other person and the relationship. These couples openly argue with each other without worrying about the repercussions. The problem with this type of alliance is the total avoidance of self-confrontation. They constantly blame each other, but they never look at their own insecurities that help keep the unhealthy dynamic going. Their greatest fear is to admit their wrongdoing to their partner and put themselves in a position of vulnerability. They constantly repeat to themselves in their heads: “If I admit my wrongs, my difficulties, my anxieties; My partner will use them against me!”

Some couples actually have no alliance with each other. The dogma of the couple consists of personally attacking the other and defending oneself at all costs. There is no limit on how far you can go to titillate the other in your ego. As we say in English: “The gloves are off”. In his relationship as a couple, there is a high level of normal marital sadism. These couples have fairly large quarrels where knives are thrown low and the threat of a breakup is often used, without ever coming true. You might think that these people no longer have love or importance to each other. However, you should not trust first appearances. This is due to the importance each one has for the other and why they are always able to hurt each other emotionally in mutual ways.

A couple can have more than one type of wedding ring (or lack thereof). It depends on the topic or the context in which the partners find themselves. For example, the partners may have a combative alliance on how to raise children, a collusive alliance in sexuality, and no alliance on housekeeping and common expenses. An alliance also has the ability to change from collusive to combative for sexuality and return collusive at other times. In other words, wedding rings are fluid and interchangeable over time and depending on the partner.

Before reading on how to build and maintain a collaborative alliance, take the time to recognize yourself in the type of alliance you are strengthening in your relationship. Assess which topics and contexts are changing your alliance types. How do you react when your partner offers you a wedding ring? Do you take it or do you try to bring it into another type?