Lack of communication in a couple

It is impossible not to communicate or to communicate poorly. Have you ever heard that the majority of communication is through body language? Without it, communication would be flat, emotionless and monotonous. We are able to detect the other person by his body movements, the tone of the voice and the attitude he projects in communication. This ability to read people through body language is called mind-mapping .

It’s a skill that you develop at the age of 4 and that becomes mature at 11. Mind-mapping is a primitive and automatic instinct that lets us analyze a situation by a person’s intentions and desires. We stay alert to different cues in body language to determine how we should react to those around us. So even if a person doesn’t say anything, there are several clues to tell us what they want to communicate or not to communicate.Note that I’m not saying that we can read our partner’s mind, but we can have a very good idea of their state of mind at the moment. If we did not have this ability, it would be impossible to have sex, seduction would be particularly complicated and we would not be able to have any connection with those around us.

Here are a few examples to clarify this ability:

1) Your partner comes home frustrated and impatient. Imagine this situation without your partner saying a word. 2) Your partner has sexual desire and wants to seduce you to have sex. Once again without saying anything, she conveys her intentions and desires to you. How do you imagine this scene? 3) You’re at a family dinner and your significant other says something embarrassing or inappropriate and you want to communicate your displeasure to them without verbalizing anything. How are you going to do it? Are you beginning to understand what I am talking about? If so, this is also your ability to mind-map. This skill allows us to establish the logical sequence of a speech or a thought even before the interlocutor has finished.

I could explain to you with biological reasoning that human evolution has developed this ability to defend our little predatory buttocks. However, this is not important. What is really significant is that we have the ability to do mind-mapping.

Communication problems… A difficulty in rethinking

It’s pretty simple. STOP PRETENDING YOU CAN’T DO IT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Repeatedly in my therapy office, I receive couples who tell me that they do not understand each other or that they lack communication skills or do not communicate at all. I always have to hold back a little smile when I hear that, because I know very well that this is not the case, but they are trying to implement this idea in therapy. This is another skill of mind-mapping called implanting false beliefs. We will discuss this topic in more depth in a future article.

Most people don’t want their partner to know that they have the ability to mind-map. This gives them the opportunity to not understand what the other person wants. The reality is quite the opposite. This dynamic serves several purposes that tend to be destructive to a relationship. When we pretend that we are not able to understand our partner’s intentions and desires, it allows us not to do things that we want to avoid. Like having sex! Or be kind and emotionally available to the other person. Have you ever tried to kiss your partner languidly to signify that you would like to have sex only to receive duckbills signifying that the other person is not interested? It is also later that the partner will say: “I didn’t understand that you wanted sex. It wasn’t clear!” This avoids the discussion: “why don’t I want to make love to you” and put the blame on the initiator of the sexual relationship. Think! Telling your partner that you don’t want him/her anymore or arguing about your incompatible communication style, which one would you choose? Most people choose the second option.

 

Mind-mapping plays a crucial role during sexual relations. It allows you to establish the tone and attitudes of your sexual encounters. The way you will kiss, touch and look at the other person will be determined by the mind-mapping of each person. Think about your last sexual encounter. How did you know how to stop kissing the other person and start touching their genitals? How did you know when to start penetration or oral sex? Have you ever felt that your partner was not really interested in the sexual act or on the contrary was in intense heat from sex?

If you can understand the fluidity and evolutionary process of a sexual relationship, then you can mind-map. It’s not like a person doesn’t actually have that skill anyway! So, are you going to keep pretending that you and your partner don’t communicate properly?

When couples come to therapy saying they have “communication difficulties”; what they are really saying is, “I don’t agree with you and I want you to change your mind as quickly as possible.” Sometimes they want the therapist to change their partner’s mind. The “non-communicating partner” is communicating that he/she does not want to discuss certain topics with their partner. This distinction is important, because the rejection behind this intention is rarely tolerated.

It’s easier to say that we don’t understand each other in our relationship than to admit that our ideas and values are different. We have a hard time when our partner doesn’t want the same thing as us and it interferes with OUR choices or decisions.

You may feel attacked or unimportant in their eyes. It can also break our perception of our partner and be disappointed. Our point of view is not validated, which forces us to question ourselves. We are forced to make major, very difficult decisions about our lives that we would rather not dwell on for the moment.

No, you can’t always do that! When we have to negotiate our values, our principles and our integrity in the relationship, we can’t just disagree with the other person and that’s it. We have to face constant dilemmas in our relationships and choose between what we desire and what our partner wants. Most of the time, it will not be the same. You can’t have and not have sex at the same time. You can’t spend and save money. You can’t clean and not clean the house. It is impossible to be at the in-laws’ house and stay at home.

When we start to perceive the important differences in the couple, it is at this moment that the famous “communication problems” appear. Sex, housework, in-laws, money and raising children are the topics that cause the most tension. Others may be just as bad. These tensions undermine our deepest values and our integrity is at stake in these conflicts. Moreover, no one wants to lose their integrity in their relationship, at least not in the long run.

As I explained earlier: “STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU CAN’T DO MIND-MAPPING”. This will end arguments with your partner about an element of your relationship that doesn’t exist (difficult communication) and discuss the real problems in your relationship. Be honest about what you want. Admit the fact that you know what your partner wants and that you don’t want to give them, because it gets in the way of meeting your need. This will put an end to unproductive comments like “I’ve already explained this to you!” and “What do you mean you still don’t understand?” comments.

Take into consideration that you are not the only person who has made sacrifices in your relationship. Be realistic in realizing that not all of your needs and wants will be considered or met. Don’t avoid difficult and heartbreaking discussions of your relationship with your partner. Your appreciation for each other will increase further if you are fully honest and honest about who you are and what you want in your relationship. Stop taking four paths to express yourself, your partner has already mind-mapped you at this point!

These discussions can certainly lead to a separation, but in general it makes you a better person by being more understanding of each other. This causes people to get closer rather than distance despite fundamental differences between them. Knowing that you can mind-map a person and that they also have the same skills changes the “game” that is played in a couple. It’s up to you how you want to play from now on.

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Transforming the Sexual Routine: Sexual Presence Anxiety