We all have love patterns that follow us throughout our lives. These often change during our relationship development to better meet our needs according to our beliefs, experiences and values in relation to love. In other words, they are modeled in order to protect us and help us flourish as individuals. These “patterns”, when unhealthy, usually make us experience feelings of sadness, loneliness, incomprehension, rejection as well as many mishaps. We then find ourselves in a vicious circle of bad love choices; A feeling of disappointment subsequently settles in us.

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Healthy love patterns allow us to flourish in our relationship and unhealthy ones to protect us. Paradoxically, these are comfortable despite the many problems they cause, because we can predict them and therefore feel safe. Novelty, under any circumstance, causes anxiety in everyone. This anxiety, in love, reduces the will to want to change one’s routine. However, some manage to do so, which allows them to flourish in the relationships they maintain.

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Romantic “patterns” begin as soon as we first meet other people. In order to meet our pre-established criteria, we select who we’ll pursue and who might pursue us. When we start to reflect on the people we choose to pursue and those we avoid, we can identify a “pattern” of attraction. It’s not uncommon to pursue people with whom we feel comfortable, even if they wouldn’t always be our first choice. We rarely approach people we feel we aren’t good enough for, because we assume we’ll be rejected and hurt. So we avoid stepping outside our romantic “pattern” because, despite the difficulties we encounter within it, it keeps us in our comfort zone.

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In short, when we find ourselves in an unhealthy “pattern,” we avoid situations where we feel uneasy, uncomfortable, afraid, and so on. However, by allowing ourselves to experience moments and situations of courtship that are more anxiety-inducing, we discover new aspects of ourselves and unexplored relationships. Here, awkwardness and mistakes shouldn’t discourage us, as they’re part of a process toward change and personal growth. Eventually, a balance emerges that allows us to become more natural in our way of being. The next time you find yourself in a flirtatious situation, choose the person who truly interests you—even if they intimidate you.

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François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal