Sexual discordance... Is it happening to you?

My body betrays my head or my head betrays my body?

Maybe you’ve had a sexual experience where your sexual urges and desires weren’t in line with your body’s physiological reactions (erection, lubrication, etc.)? If so, don’t worry, you’re not sick. This phenomenon, which affects many individuals, is called sexual discordance. It’s like buying groceries in anticipation of a recipe. In this case, the recipe is sexual intercourse and the elements we need are pleasure, sexual desire and a genital response (erection, lubrication, etc.). Sexual discordance is when we are missing one of these 3 elements from our basket. Sex is still possible, but the end result will likely be different.

To better understand this concept, here are some examples:

Achieving vaginal lubrication or an erection even during unwanted sex

Enjoying sexual activity without experiencing sexual desire for your partner

Experiencing a lot of sexual desire and pleasure without getting an erection or lubrication

The difficulties caused by sexual

discordanceWe can imagine that sexual discordance brings a lot of complex problems and creates confusion for many people who experience it or who have a partner who experiences it. Many people rely on their partner’s sexual response (erection or lubrication) to determine their sexual satisfaction and that of their partner, but also consent. A lubricating vagina or an erect penis is not a sign of pleasure or consent!

“Well, let’s see! It can’t be: be hardened or wet and not want sex!” And yes, it’s even more common than you might think. Even harder to believe when it involves a man, because we associate an erection even more with guaranteed desire and pleasure in men. A myth that is very difficult to dispel for us sexologists. Even more, you may not have sexual desire or pleasure, but still get an ORGASM… “NO WAY! There you lost me. An orgasm is always fun, for EVERYONE!” Again, your body reacting “correctly” by having an erection-lubrication and reaching orgasm is not necessarily a sign of pleasure, satisfaction or sexual desire.

“So, there! You’re telling me that my boyfriend can be as hard as a rock or my girlfriend wet as the water slide at the water park… and not even know if they’re having fun? What do I do with it now?”

How do I know that my partner has sexual

mismatchYour body’s sexual response (erection-lubrication) is ONE sign that can be trusted, but it doesn’t have to be the only one. Throughout the sexual relationship, from seduction to the end, we can note a panoply of signs in the other of interest or disinterest (pleasure-desire).

• Does your partner move, moan, get involved during sex?
• Does he avoid the gaze or take the time to look at you?
• How does she kiss you? (disengaged, passionately, lovingly, ferociously, limply, roughly, mechanically, etc.)
• Does she verbally tell you her pleasure, her preferences, her desires?
• Do you feel like he/she prefers to do something else or do you feel like he/she is somewhere else in his/her head?
• Do you feel like you’re involved and committed yourself on your side?
• Are you listening and really attentive to the other person or are you simply looking to offer and get an orgasm?

In short, if you experience episodes of sexual discordance or you suspect your partner of having it during sex, the important thing is to ask yourself what you are missing in the sexual relationship. Is it desire, pleasure or genital response? Several elements can have a negative impact on desire and pleasure within couples’ relationships. Whether it’s the recurring arguments, the Lack of privacy, sexual routine,absence of seduction, a lack of erotic skill, a lack of listening to the different signs of pleasure, a lack of confidence, resentment and bitterness not settled in your relationship. The most important thing is to reveal yourself with your partner, opening up the discussion clearly about your sexual desires and preferences. This can help you understand your partner and achieve a sexual relationship that is pleasant, exciting, and fulfilling, while also being honest and transparent.

The important thing is to have fun

Generally speaking, pleasure is defined as a state of contentment that is created in an individual through the satisfaction of a need or desire. When it comes to sexual pleasure, each individual is likely to give a different answer as to what gives them pleasure. We also know that what may be very pleasant for one person may be very unpleasant for another. Overall, the search for pleasure in sexual relations is often associated either with a need for security, fusion and intimacy or with a “narcissistic” gratification that fills a need for a sense of competence in the individual. You can also simply be looking for physical sensations on the genital level that are pleasant.

Need for fusion: “When I have sex, I have pleasure, because I feel really close to my partner ”

Narcissistic gratification: “Sexuality gives me pleasure, because I feel that I can seduce and be desirable”

Pleasant physical sensation: “I feel pleasant physical sensations in my penis, vulva/vagina or elsewhere in my body”

Do you need fusion, narcissistic gratification and/or a pleasurable physical sensation during sex? How do you think this influences the way you act and be with a sexual partner? What do you perceive of your sexual partners? Your needs and intentions during sex will influence your pleasure, desire, and sexual arousal as well as that of the other person with whom you are sharing the sexual moment.

Copywriter

Audrey Labelle, B.A., sexologist

Francois Renaud, M.A., sexologist and psychotherapist