Pornography and the impact on your sexual life in the couple
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Is pornography really the cause of sexual difficulties in your relationship?
Based on general research in the field of sexology and couple relationships, there are different perspectives on the impact of pornography on sexual desire. Some studies suggest that excessive or inappropriate use of pornography can lead to relationship problems and affect sexual desire in a couple. Issues such as unrealistic expectations, comparing with fictional images, pornography addiction, or a decrease in emotional intimacy can occur.
On the other hand, some people consider pornography as a form of fantasy or erotic stimulation, and its use may be considered normal and without a negative effect on their sexual desire within the couple.
So why is there a debate and difficulty agreeing on the subject?
Pornography touches on our deepest sexual mores and values and significant insecurities such as jealousy. It is also easier to blame the use of pornography as the cause of our sexual problems in our relationship than the other way around. In fact, it is not uncommon for marital and sexual complications and dissatisfaction to be present before problematic consumption of pornography. These issues lead to increased consumption, which creates more difficulties in the couple’s sexuality.
“We could compare pornography to bungee jumping.”
It is more difficult to admit to ourselves that our partner was sexually dissatisfied with our sexual relationship, and this led them towards pornography. It is even more challenging to confess our sexual dissatisfaction to the other person and that we replaced our sexual life as a couple with a screen and other people.
Can we still blame pornography for our sexual difficulties though?
Well, yes! Pornography can still have negative impacts on sexuality if not consumed in a healthy and balanced way. Some individuals not only use pornography to escape from their problems but also incorporate it into their couple’s sexuality. Pornography is entertainment that strongly stimulates our bodies and offers sensations that a sexual relationship cannot provide. The reverse is also true! We could compare pornography to bungee jumping. It provides intense sensations that, for some people, drive them to want more and to integrate this physical intensity into their couple. However, this intensity is difficult to reproduce because it is experienced through an altered and often perfected reality.
An invested and intimate sexual relationship may not provide such intense sensations, but it offers a much more emotionally intense experience that will never be found in pornography. It’s like enjoying a well-prepared and delicious meal shared with the other person. The pleasure is different but can be just as enjoyable as the intensity that pornography brings.
What we want to avoid is comparing one to the other. A healthy sexuality involves seeing masturbation with pornography or any other form of stimulation as different from a sexual relationship. There may be some similarities between the two, but the needs and desires sought must be different to avoid dissatisfaction.
Reflections to have on our relationship with pornography:
- Do I have a positive or negative perspective on pornography?
- How did this viewpoint develop? Based on what individual or couple experiences?
- How has my perspective changed throughout my sexual life?
- Does pornography serve to avoid insecurities or difficulties in my sexuality within my relationship?
- Does pornography trigger insecurities that I don’t want to confront?
- Do I have a good or bad relationship with pornography?
- Am I trying to modify this relationship, or am I imposing it on my partner?
As with all aspects of sexuality and relationships, it is essential that partners communicate openly and honestly about their attitudes towards pornography, its boundaries, and its use within the relationship. This can lead to a better understanding of each other’s needs, concerns, and limits, promoting a deeper emotional connection.
If a couple experiences difficulties related to pornography use or any other aspect of their sexuality or relationship, it can be beneficial to consult a sexologist or psychotherapist specializing in sexology for professional support tailored to their specific situation.
Frank Renaud M.A.Sexologist psychotherapist
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