“Love or Victory? Choosing Connection Without Losing Yourself”

Francois Renaud M.A 10 October 2025

Being Right or Having a Lovely Evening? The Silent Dilemma in Couples

Every couple knows that moment when everything suddenly shifts.
A comment, a tone of voice, a lingering memory—and just like that, the connection begins to fade.
What was meant to be a pleasant evening turns into a debate about who’s right—an emotional duel where nobody truly wins.

As sexologists and psychotherapists, we often hear the same words:

“We just wanted to have a nice evening, and somehow it all went wrong.”

Behind these ordinary moments lies a deeper dilemma:
Should we protect our personal integrity or preserve our connection with the other?
And how can we tell whether our firmness is a sign of strength… or of fragility?

Why the Need to Be Right Becomes a Relationship Trap

The desire to be right is deeply human.
It’s not (only) about ego—it’s our way of defending our worldview, our feelings, and our need to be understood.

But in intimate relationships, this reflex can easily turn into a trap.
Each partner wants their version of truth to be recognized. When two truths collide, the relationship becomes an emotional battlefield:

We talk to convince, not to understand.
We listen to respond, not to receive.
We try to win instead of trying to repair.

The result? A slow erosion of complicity, replaced by underlying tension and mutual resentment.

Preserving Integrity Without Falling Into Rigidity

Many people fear that giving in during a conflict means betraying themselves.
That fear points to something fundamental: personal integrity.

To preserve one’s integrity is to stay true to one’s values, emotions, and essential needs. It means refusing to deny oneself just to please or avoid conflict.
But the balance is delicate.
When the defense of integrity becomes inflexible, it can turn into relational rigidity.

We start confusing staying true to ourselves with never making compromises.
And paradoxically, that rigidity—which feels like strength—becomes a form of fragility.
It prevents movement, nuance, and real connection.

The Lack of Cognitive Flexibility: Fragility in Disguise

Cognitive flexibility refers to the ability to consider multiple perspectives without feeling threatened.
It’s what allows someone to say:

“I understand you see things differently, and that doesn’t diminish my own worth.”

When that flexibility is missing, every disagreement feels like an identity threat.
The other person stops being a partner and becomes an opponent.
Beneath the anger or firmness, there are often deeper fears:

Fear of not being understood.
Fear of being perceived as weak.
Fear of losing control or respect.

This rigidity is often a form of self-protection.
But over time, it drains the relationship—less curiosity, less humor, less desire.

Rigidity extinguishes tenderness.

Choosing Connection Over Triumph

Let’s take a simple example:

Sophie and Marc are getting ready to go out. Marc jokes, “You’re late again?”
Sophie immediately reacts: “You always say that—you always find something to criticize.”
Within two minutes, the evening has taken a turn for the worse.

In these moments, the real question isn’t who’s right?
It’s what do I want to nurture right now?
The victory of the ego or the quality of the bond?

Saying “I can see you took it the wrong way—that wasn’t my intention” isn’t giving up.
It’s an act of emotional maturity.
It’s choosing the relationship over the need to justify oneself.

And that choice, repeated over time, transforms couples.
It builds safety, kindness, and—most importantly—space for closeness and desire.

Emotional Flexibility: The Key to Lasting Relationships

Happy couples aren’t those who avoid conflict, but those who know how to return to tenderness after a disagreement.
They’ve developed a kind of emotional flexibility—the ability to say:

“I don’t agree, but I’m listening.”
“I don’t understand yet, but I’m willing to try.”

This flexibility doesn’t weaken personal integrity; it strengthens it.
It’s rooted in a kind of inner security—the confidence that one can welcome difference without losing oneself.

Emotional flexibility and cognitive flexibility go hand in hand.
Together, they help couples defuse conflict before it becomes destructive, and keep warmth alive even in the midst of disagreement.

How Sexologists Can Help in These Relational Deadlocks

When couples get stuck between rigidity and the longing for connection, the guidance of a sexologist can be invaluable.

In couples therapy, the role of the sexologist isn’t to decide who’s right, but to help both partners understand what’s really happening beneath the surface.

In practical terms, therapy focuses on:

Identifying emotional triggers – What seems trivial (a tone, a sigh, a single word) often reactivates an old wound: rejection, injustice, insecurity.
Translating the deeper message – Behind “you never listen to me” often lies “I need to feel that I matter to you.”
Restoring emotional self-soothing – Before trying to be right, both partners must feel heard and validated.
Fostering cognitive flexibility – Learning to tolerate the coexistence of two truths, and to see differences as enrichment rather than threat.
Reintroducing tenderness and playfulness – Once the emotional climate is safe, the relationship can regain humor, intimacy, and desire.

The sexologist acts as a compassionate third party, helping the couple shift from “defense mode” back to “connection mode.”

Being Right or Being Happy: A Matter of Priority

In a relationship, being right may offer short-term satisfaction.
But choosing the relationship is an investment in long-term peace and intimacy.

Relational maturity means recognizing that two truths can coexist without cancelling each other out.
And sometimes, it’s wiser to rest a hand on the one you love than to raise a finger to make your point.

So the next time tension rises, ask yourself:

“Do I want to be victorious—or connected?”

The answer will often reveal what you’re really feeding: the ego or the bond.

When to Consult a Sexologist

If conflicts keep repeating, if your closeness is fading, or if every discussion becomes defensive, it may be time to seek help.
Professional support can help you:

Rebuild emotional regulation during conflict ( improve communication).
Develop lasting emotional and cognitive flexibility.
Relearn how to choose each other—even after disagreements.

A sexologist can help you transform tension into growth, and rebuild that essential alliance between personal integrity and relational intimacy.