Tell me how you make love and I’ll tell you about your childhood
How You’ve Been Loved Determines How You Make Love (with a touch of humor)
Ah, love—that mysterious, exhilarating, and sometimes downright confusing force that we all pursue like butterflies attracted by a flame. We write songs about him, lose sleep over him, and spend hours swiping on dating apps to find him. But have you ever taken the time to reflect on the fact that the way you were loved during your childhood could well be the matrix of how you make love today? Yes, that’s right—your childhood, your first crush, and even that awkward breakup might just show up under the sheets. Let’s dissect this phenomenon, shall we? And don’t worry, we’ll add a touch of humor along the way.
The “Attachment Theory” and “Mind-mapping” starter package
Before we dive into how your childhood might sabotage—or improve—your love life, let’s hit the basics. Therapists have this practical concept called “attachment theory” and “mind-mapping.” Basically, it suggests that how you were loved (or not) as a child plays a huge role in how you interact with your romantic partners today. There are four main attachment styles: Secure : You received just the right amount of hugs during your childhood.
Congratulations! You’re probably the unicorn of the dating world. You let yourself be mind-mapped and reveal who you are, instead of hiding. Anxious : You were loved, but that love was sometimes accompanied by a “Why didn’t you call me back?” You may be the one who always checks their messages three times. You are constantly mind-tracking your partner mentally looking for signs of rejection. You have trouble managing emotional autonomy and constantly need to be reassured. Avoidant : You must have been the “resourceful” growing up. Now, emotional intimacy is like walking barefoot on a Lego. You have a habit of masking your emotions and maintain this aura of mystery so that no one really knows you. Yet, secretly, you analyze everyone to see what they think of you… But you don’t want it to be known, do you? Fearful-avoidant : The Joker card! You want love, but as soon as it gets closer, you’re ready to build an emotional fortress. You give the impression that you’re ready to love, but in reality, you don’t really know how to deal with it. You constantly send mixed signals by masking what you want and embracing other people’s expectations as your own needs. Now let’s see how these attachment styles and your mind-mapping style manifest when the lights go out.
Mind-mapping during lovemaking
If you have a secure attachment style, congratulations! You’re the human equivalent of an avocado—sweet, versatile, and everyone wants a piece of it. The way you have sex probably feels like a good yoga session: relaxing, filled with deep breaths, with the perfect blend of mindfulness and flexibility. You let others look into yours and you make it clear how you feel. You WANT to be wanted, but you don’t NEED to. You express your needs clearly, respect your partner’s boundaries, and know how to take things gently. And when you’re not making the world jealous with your emotionally stable sex life, you’re probably cuddling without a hint of embarrassment. What’s your secret?
Anxious attachment or the Ninja of mind-tracking: The Tango of the overthinker
Lovers with anxious attachment are the overthinkers of the bedroom, constantly analyzing what their partner thinks about them… That’s a lot of thought! You want to make sure your partner is having a good time, but sometimes you’re so busy analyzing every sigh, moan, and movement that you forget to enjoy it yourself. And of course, you try to mask your anxiety because you think you couldn’t love someone as insecure as you are. Your internal monologue is firing on all cylinders, but there’s good news: when you’re not stuck in your head, you bring passion, enthusiasm, and an undeniable willingness to satisfy your partner. Remember, sometimes less is more—in and out of the sheets.
Avoidant attachment or master of mind-masking l: The Solo Artist
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you probably treat emotional intimacy like a cat treats water—something to be avoided at all costs, but one that we all know you secretly desire. It’s not that you don’t want love; you just prefer it at a safe distance. In bed, you could be the king or queen of one-night stands, keeping a sense of independence even when things get passionate. You focus mainly on the physical side of sex, just so you don’t fall into the trap of falling TOO much in love. The idea of a night without a tomorrow? Perfect. A cuddle session of more than 10 minutes? Your worst nightmare. But deep down, you yearn for connection just like everyone else. Take a deep breath and allow yourself to stay in the moment—your partner will thank you.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment or the Implanter of Misconceptions: The Emotional Roller Coaster
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style are the emotional roller coaster operators in the world of love. You crave intimacy, but at the same time you dread it, which can make your love life feel like a blind roller coaster. One moment you’re fully present—deep gaze, total vulnerability—and the next moment, you pull out faster than a cat that fell into the bathtub. You give the impression of being emotionally present, only to back off as soon as the other person joins you. In bed, this translates into intense, passionate moments, followed by an irresistible desire to flee. But hey, at least you know how to spice things up, right? The challenge here is to learn that love doesn’t have to hurt. And no, your partner is not going to abandon you as soon as you open up.
How to break the cycle (or at least laugh about it)
So, now that you know how your childhood is coming into your love life, what can you do about it? Well, first of all, don’t panic. We are all works in the making, and there is no “perfect” lover… except those people with a secure attachment… sigh. Here are some tips to help you move forward: Let yourself be mind-mapped : It sounds cliché, but revealing your needs, fears, and insecurities with your partner can be a game-changer. It’s also a great way to avoid panic attacks like “Why didn’t you answer me?”. Embrace vulnerability : Love isn’t always about control. Sometimes the best moments happen when you let go and allow yourself to be seen—with all your imperfections. Laugh at it all : When things get awkward (because they will), laugh about it. Didn’t manage to execute this sexy move as planned? No problem, it happened to all of us. Humor is the best catalyst for intimacy.
One final thought: Love is weird, and that’s fine
In the end, love and sex are deeply personal experiences, shaped by years of complex and often chaotic emotions. How you have been loved in the past should not dictate how you will love in the future. But understanding where you’re from can offer you incredible insight into who you are. And remember, no matter your attachment style or how you use mind mapping, there’s someone out there who will find your quirks endearing, your insecurities charming, and your passion absolutely irresistible. But yes, you’ll still have to work on yourself… Isn’t it?
Sexologist psychotherapist
Specialized in couples therapy
