Listen vs. consider. One or the other or both?

Listening vs Considering a Partner in a Fight: How to Avoid World War III at Home

Ah, couple fights. You know, those moments when you find yourself in the middle of a debate about topics of the utmost importance, like the best way to fold laundry or why dirty socks never, but NEVER, get into the laundry basket. We’ve all been there. But beyond the fun arguments, there are those moments when dissatisfaction strikes, and there, the way you handle the situation can turn a little friction into… how to put it… an emotional nuclear explosion. Sometimes we talk about sensitive subjects that are indeed very important, but unfortunately we never manage to conclude in a positive and constructive way…

So, let’s talk about the difference between listening and considering your partner. Because, spoiler alert: there’s quite a difference!

Listening: More Than Just Background Noise

So there you have it, you’re in the middle of a lively discussion. Your partner speaks, and you… listen. Or at least, you hear words in the air. Maybe you’re even in “Yes, yes, honey” mode while mentally planning your next meal or argument, ultimate defense justification. Sometimes we don’t even let the other person finish what he wants to share

But be careful: listening doesn’t mean you really get what is being said. It’s like hearing the neighbor mow the lawn: you know it’s happening, but did you really consider the other person’s point of view before answering?

Consider: The Art of Entering the Arena

Consider, this is where things get serious. This means that you stop planning your counterattack and really focus on what the other person is telling you to take it into CONSIDERATION. Oh my! It’s not easy to do that. Considering is like entering the emotional arena with your partner, ready to take in every hit (heart, no fist, eh!).

The Subtle Art of Consideration: The 4 Commandments

Here’s a simple guide to avoid turning a fight into a dramatic reality TV epic and show your partner a new maturity:

1. Let the other person finish their idea, share their experience, perceptions and emotions: Ah, the interruption. The couple’s number one enemy. Let’s be honest: how many times have you interrupted your partner because, frankly, you REALLY had something important to say? Spoiler: the answer is often too much. So, take a deep breath, bite your tongue if you have to, and let the other person speak. Even if it takes a little time (or a lot, depending on the mood of the day).
2. Allow time to recognize what it makes you experience: Okay, your partner has just unpacked his emotions, and you find yourself with a big bundle of undelivered emotions on your doorstep. Don’t react immediately as if you were defusing a bomb. Take a moment to digest what has just been said. Maybe a little reflective break will help you get your brain and body full of emotion back in order!
3. Take some time to think about what would be most relevant and mature to say: Now that you’ve absorbed all of this, it’s time to answer… but gently, Sherlock. The key here is not to react hot like an erupting volcano. Think about what you’re going to say. Because, “It’s nonsense!” or “Yes, but you…” is not what you would call a mature answer (and it never ends well).
4. First, name what you have understood or what you agree with: The magic trick to avoid derailing the conversation is to start with what you agree on. “OK, I understand you’re frustrated because I forgot to take out the trash for the third time this week.” BAM. Validation. From there, you have a solid foundation to discuss without plates flying. If you don’t agree with anything, you can still show that the person could have experienced it in this way. Having the mental flexibility to understand that another person due to their triggers, history, values can perceive, conceive and emotionally experience things different from you is a medium to great sign of relational maturity.

Conclusion

Torque quarrels can be simple breezes or real storms. But by moving from uninterrupted listening to real consideration, you can reduce the chances of emotional tornadoes. And, let’s be honest, we all prefer a quiet home to a battlefield. So the next time you feel the fight coming, remember those four points, and who knows? Maybe you’ll end the discussion with a hug rather than a heavy silence.

François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist psychotherapist

Specialized in couples therapy

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