The Sexual Yo-Yo That Breaks Couples Up

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The Yo-Yo of Desire: When Couples Are Never in Phase

Ah, romantic relationships! A subtle mix of compromise, patience, and, let’s be honest, sometimes a real exhausting tug-of-war. If you’re in a relationship and your levels of sexual desire differ, then you’re probably familiar with this “yo-yo” dynamic: sometimes one is ready to take the plunge, while the other only aspires to watch his series quietly. It’s the roller coaster that no one expected, and yet, here you are both embarked on the adventure. Here’s a look at the highs, lows, and twists of this rollercoaster of desire as a couple.


1. The PPD and the PMD

If this sounds like a wildlife documentary, you’re not far from the truth. The Partner with More Desire (PPD) — the initiator — is brimming with energy, enthusiasm, and sometimes even well-thought-out strategies, while the Partner with Less Desire (PMD) has perfected the art of discreet yawning and avoidance of sexuality. The PPD tries everything: dim light, suggestive messages, going through in this outfit. He may even start humming Let’s Get It On when there’s no one around. Meanwhile, the PMD is well ensconced in his pajamas, absorbed in his TikTok videos, and pretends not to notice anything, but perceives the attempts very well. Or, simply, he is not in the mood. Because, hey, real life includes fatigue, stress, and sometimes a complete lack of desire for anything that requires effort.


2. The “We note it on the Agenda” dilemma!

Ah, programming moments of intimacy. What could be more romantic than coordinating your calendars as if you were setting up a dentist appointment? For the partner who has the most desire, it may seem a little less passionate than improvisation, while the one with less momentum may feel like a deadline that they are not yet ready to face. It’s a delicate balance between enthusiasm and the … planned. For the couple who make it, it’s great; For the others, it’s as sexy as a meeting with human resources.


3. The “Yo-Yo of Desire” Phenomenon

This is the essence of the yo-yo. Desire can be… contagious? When the PPD’s interest wanes, the other’s interest suddenly flares up for fear of infidelity or an imminent breakup. It’s like a weird emotional tug-of-war, where just as the more motivated partner gives up and dedicates himself to his knitting or his Succession series, the other leans over and whispers, “Hey… How about it? to validate interest and avoid falling into indifference At that point, the PPD often changed course completely, leaving the other perplexed. The excitement of the chase then turns into a joyful round of “Wait, now I feel like it, but…” Not you? Again? »

 


4. The “Do You Really Love Me?” Spiral

Nothing can amplify insecurity like a mismatched libido. The PPD may feel rejected, wondering if it is still as irresistible as it thought. The PMD, on the other hand, may feel overwhelmed, wondering if the relationship depends solely on their sexual availability. Here, transparency and integrity are crucial. It’s not personal – it’s just a difference in interest, energy, or sometimes a sign of significant sexual and marital dissatisfaction that needs to be addressed.


5. Test the “What if we changed habits a little?” solution

Maybe it’s time to get creative and acknowledge the sexual routine that has been installed. But sometimes, a small change in routine, setting, or even a different approach to intimacy can work wonders. Take the pressure off, add a little humor, and make sure to address the topics that may have created turnovers. Sometimes, wanting to avoid conflicts brings its share of dissatisfaction that poisons the relationship even more.


Accepting the Yo-Yo for What It Is

Even though the yo-yo dynamic can be difficult, it can also have a certain function in the couple. It allows us to identify underlying dissatisfactions, to recognize routine and sexual platitude, to understand our relationship and sexual insecurities. It can highlight that partners only make efforts when the relationship is threatened and we take ourselves for granted. The PMD will have its sexual desire aroused, only if the threat of rupture or indifference knocks on the door.

 

This leaves room for a rise in resentment for each of the partners who get tired of the sexual yo-yo where we find ourselves in the same cycle that gives the impression of improving to finally fall back into the same dynamic. This cycle will repeat itself longer if we continue to feed it by not addressing the problematic issues of the relationship.

 

Are you tired of being in this dynamic? How can you contribute to this? Do you use threats to have sex? Do you use sexuality to avoid consequences in your relationship?

 

Sexologist psychotherapist Francois Renaud François Renaud M.A.

Sexologist psychotherapist

Specialized in couples therapy

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