The time I stopped a sexual relationship in the middle

“The time I stopped a sexual relationship in the middle of it.”

It inevitably sounds annoying, uncomfortable, like a stain to be removed. Why it seems so difficult to put our sexual relations on “pause”. We already do it often with our films, our series, our true crime documentaries that are too intense, right?

As in all situations, there is not just a before and after, there is a pendant too .

And it is during this while that there are as many scenarios as possible.

We hear more and more about the importance of consent. Free consent, without pressure or obligation, as well as informed consent, without alteration of conscience, have been making the headlines and forging new mentalities in recent years.

What about continuous consent? Or in other words, when the desire fades in the middle of the sexual relationship. We know that we have the right to withdraw our consent at any time… but it’s “weird”, embarrassing and guilt-inducing! Sometimes, especially frustrating for the other.

But is there even more room for questions than for a concrete answer in continuous consent? What does it mean, the entire duration of the relationship? After an orgasm? After both (or more) partners have had their orgasms? And in a couple, what does that mean? Is it possible that routine has erased the way we see the end of a sexual relationship?

There is indeed a perception of sexual relations as a commitment, which would be natural and innate. But, the sexual sphere is similar to the other spheres of our lives. Contrary to what you might think at first glance, sexual activity is like a social date with someone. We share, we listen, we laugh, we do each other good, in human contact. Not to mention that despite the norms and rules that influence our ways of acting, everyone is free, with the power to choose what suits us or not.

SOS, I want to leave!

To illustrate how sexuality can compare to other types of activities, let’s pretend that sex is like a 5-to-7 night out with a friend. But this time, after some time, the desire to be at home in front of Netflix becomes stronger and stronger. The desire to be anywhere else is felt. What was supposed to be playful and pleasant becomes heavy, a social obligation. And it’s supposed to be for fun, right?

Everyone has experienced this feeling, either in sexuality, or in other social situations. But in concrete terms, how does this translate? What can our internal discourse look like, in the middle of a sexual relationship that never seems to end?

• “I can’t really stop half blowjob/half cunnilingus?”
• “If I don’t give her an orgasm, elle.il could be angry.”
• “He may think that I don’t want le.la anymore or that he doesn’t turn me on enough.”
• “It would be easier to wait for it to pass and avoid the awkward conversation afterwards…”
• “Maybe I could get him to come faster!”
• “I just can’t wait for it to end… Why does it take so long?!”
• “I don’t even want to “fake” my pleasure…”
• “Does he/she know that I don’t even want to do it anymore?”
• “What is he/she going to say to his/her amis.es?”
• “He’s going to blow up…”

And these are just a few examples of what can go through the head of someone who wants to end a sexual relationship. We can be afraid of the other person’s reaction, try to rationalize, try to justify ourselves to continue, be afraid of being judged, not feel “normal”, afraid that we will be found “boring”. You can feel bad, forced to continue, and above all be afraid of disappointing.

However, sexuality has the particularity of being very intimate and personal. It is easy to feel at our most vulnerable, which accentuates the fears, fears and restraints that can be maintained. But ultimately, you have to live with the feeling of having made the right choice for you, and therefore, also, the right choice for everyone involved. Beyond the norms and the gaze of others, it is often wiser to take a step back and take a step back when the time is right.

Like anything, sometimes we don’t want to do it anymore. And that’s quite normal.

REKINDLING SEXUAL DESIRE

What happens if it’s the other person who wants to leave right in the middle?

It’s also pretty easy to recognize when a sexual partner no longer feels like having sex with us during the act. Sometimes, even often, we pretend not to see him too. Have you ever experienced or experienced any of the following scenarios:

• Does your partner seem more disengaged than at the beginning?
• Do you have the impression that he/she is not really present with you anymore?
• Her kisses and caresses are mechanical, elusive, disorganized (it lacks a bit of PEP!)
• Constant

gaze away

• Less engaged

pelvic movements

• Moaning at barely noticeable decibels (compared to the beginning)
• An impression that she.he would like to be elsewhere
• Phrases like: “Are you done soon?” with a little bit of exasperation

Also, several thoughts and scenarios are possible when we guess that our partner(s) wants to end the relationship.

• “Is it my fault? Did I hurt him?”
• “I was really into it, it’s not fair!”
• “He or she is always the one who decides on sexual relations.”
• “Is he/she thinking about someone else?”
• “Should I be worried? It must be because I’m not bon.ne enough…”
• “I knew I was too gros.se to please him…”
• “I’m going to do this quickly so that I can at least have my orgasm.”

When the other person wants to end the relationship, it is normal to feel rejected, to feel sexually incompetent, not to be bon.ne enough or desirable enough. It is normal to be disappointed, surprised, angry. And above all, to have the impression that it is our fault and to feel guilty, when the other person has the desire to leave. But, just as it would be a stretch to force someone to sit at the bar and pour their drink into their mouth to keep the evening going, it is not reasonable to continue a sexual relationship that is no longer desired. Unfortunately, this is what happens most often, especially in long-term couples.

However, we must not forget that there are many reasons for wanting to stop a sexual relationship, and that more often than not, it starts first of all from our own internal discourse, from our own desire. It is very rarely the fault of another person. And even if it was, it doesn’t mean that we don’t want le.la anymore and that we don’t love him anymore. It just means that the desire is gone, for this time.

Stopping in the middle of it, not only negative!

There is also trust, that the other can welcome us in a more vulnerable moment or welcome the other.

We can use our empathy towards the other person, put ourselves in their shoes, and try to respond as best we can to their needs.

You can focus on the quality of sex, rather than the quantity or simply repeating a routine.

It allows you to regain control over your sexuality and yourself.

It can be a time to reflect on the quality of our sexual relationships and to understand what has led to the loss of desire.

But above all, it’s about being human, with fluctuations and changes and learning to listen to yourself for the better.

By, Rachel Baril, sexologist.