Do you want to throw the grenade or step on the land mine

Dealing with conflict by speaking of the taboos

Sex life is often a source of tension because it is a crucial part of a relationship. Not all individuals are comfortable talking about their discomforts related to this subject, so we need to demystify a bit of the taboo around sexuality.

Talking to your partner about your lack of sexual satisfaction is one of the most sensitive topics. We fear hurting the other person or being blamed for our own insecurities in our sexuality. Telling your partner that you have never been sexually satisfied or that you haven’t been sexually satisfied for a long time is heartbreaking for the relationship. You may even realize the sexual incompatibility of the relationship.

We fear having to play the sex teacher with our partner and that can be… a major TURN OFF for many people!


“Basically, you have the choice to throw the grenade in the dynamic of the relationship or wait to be surprised and step on a mine that will eventually explode in your face”.

It is not uncommon to hear a person say: ” I could NEVEEEEEEEEER say this to my boyfriend/girlfriend. He/she is going to be destroyed. Our relationship won’t survive that”. We can’t hide from the sexual problems, they always end up catching up with the relationship. So, basically, you have the choice to throw the grenade in the dynamic of the couple or wait to be surprised and step on a mine that will eventually explode in your face.


Choosing to wait to step on the mine

When you make the choice to wait, the longer the delay, the bigger the impression that things are not so serious, and that they are tolerable, because they are set aside. However, this false impression of “non-conflict” creates accumulated bitterness and one person ends up perceiving the unease that has been built up over the months and years only to still choose to pretend nothing is wrong. The whole thing can be described as avoidance. Finally, our partner may well feel neglected and avoided in this fuzzy situation and will eventually feel completely rejected.

This dynamic will be poisoned by the desire for revenge and the vindictive tendency ant to finally create an enemy in your own home. All this, for having decided to wait to express to our partner the dissatisfactions that we can feel. In the meantime, they won’t disappear. On the contrary, a conflict may arise and add weight to the dissatisfactions experienced.


Choosing to throw the grenade

Choosing the grenade is to have the power to establish an alliance within the couple through a difficult time. Yes, it is true, you explode the semblance of peace between the two of you, but you have more control over the result of the explosion that is inevitable, anyway. You can choose how you’re going to say it? Take the time to think about it and adapt to the different variations that might be out there.

It is quite normal to take a step back when a conflict explodes. As soon as this happens, it is rare that one is willing to settle it immediately because the emotion is sometimes too strong to think clearly. Taking the time to calm down allows for an effective and settled discussion. The biggest difficulty for couples is managing their emotions in the face of conflicts that can shake the relationship.


A third option, please?

We love one another, we are safe from everything! Make no mistake, love in a union is not the answer to everything. Even if two people love each other passionately, an unresolved or avoided conflict that lasts over time may quickly bring you closer to separation. However, the love between individuals in a couple makes it easier to navigate in turbulent waters. There is not a third option where you do not have to dive towards the discomfort of these discussions that may shake the foundation of the relationship.


But how do we talk about it and absorb the shock of the explosion?

The first step in sexual dissatisfaction is to understand the origin of the problem. We must ask ourselves what triggered it, what is the root of it?

-What doesn’t make me happy about our sexuality?

  • Lack of seduction
  • The routine and predictability of our sexual encounters
  • Lack of emotional and/sexual complicity
  • Differences in sexual preferences and practices
  • Lack of depth and degree of intimacy
  • The partner’s discomfort and shyness in trying new things
  • etc.
    • What would I like to change?
    • What can I change?
    • How do I want to talk about it?
    • What is my share of responsibility?

When the origin of the problem has been decided, one must then develop an idea of the reaction of the other to the announcement of this news. This helps to prepare for their emotional state and to defuse the situation. We must be patient and let our partner digest the situation. You can’t expect your partner to get the message and be completely agreeable or welcoming. You must show compassion for the wound you just opened. Recognize their effort and the courage to have tackled such a thorny subject.

Finally, managing couple conflicts will allow you to go through the daily pitfalls together and solidify your union because your partner will not be seen as an enemy, but as an ally. Knowing how to recognize our irritants and name them is already a step towards success.

In general, we chose our life partner for the right reasons, so we must make sure to maintain complicity and love in the relationship. Do not extinguish them by the difficulties one may experience daily.

An equal middle ground for a better balance!


étudiante sexologie

Author for our sexcoupletherapy blog



Audrey Labelle

Studying in a Bachelor of Sexology