Who has the power in your relationship?

In a couple, power can be expressed in several ways. Who decides? Who will do what? Who will go where and when?

There are also more insidious forms of power within a couple, for example who is right? Who chooses how a conflict is resolved? Who will feel like they’re making sacrifices? Power struggles and conflicts are an integral part of a couple’s life. At one point or another, you will have to face an emotional impasse.

Emotional impasse: when partners want to meet diametrically opposed wants/needs. For example, one member of the couple insists on trying new sexual practices, while the other is very uncomfortable with it. Thus, the need for novelty of one of the partners conflicts with the need for security of the other. Usually in an emotional impasse, partners are at the point where their respective positions have become rigid.

Decision-making position vs. demand

positionFor every dispute (sexual or not) in a couple, there is one person in a decision-making position and one in demand. The person in demand is the one who wants something (to do more housework, to have more sexuality, to increase intimacy, to go on a couple’s trip, to have one or more children, etc.). Unless you force the other person, the person asking for it doesn’t really have the last word. She can argue, make people feel guilty, denigrate, convince, but never make the final decision. It is submitted to the partner with the decision-making position.

The person in a decision-making position has, in other words: “the big end of the stick”, because he or she desires the said thing less. She may not feel like she’s in that position, but she still does. His choice will then be implemented, in an imposing or collaborative way. She can also acquiesce to the other person’s desires in a conformist way, to avoid quarrelling or breaking up.

What is your strategy in each of these positions?

Two strategies are possible in each of the positions, either the imposing strategy or the conformist strategy.

The imposing strategy is used by the partner who is typically more dominant. This strategy usually comes with the reflex of managing problems or disagreements in the couple by erasing the needs of the other. This person is used to being very rigid in their decision-making and will have a lot of influence on the choice to be made. And this is even in the position of demand, because it crushes the other in various ways. This person who imposes himself will often be the person who benefits during conflicts. With this habit, this person will be able to feel:

• • A feeling of entitlement, or that everything is due to him

• • The desire to abuse his decision-making power (to settle the conflict more quickly, to move on, etc.)
  • Wanting to take revenge on your partner in a demanding position
  • Not easily accepting the position of demand and the feeling of injustice
  • Being angry often
  • Invalidating/minimizing your partner’s needs and feelings

With the imposing strategy, comes the need for approval of the other through emotional fusion (being the same). Since the imposing person does not tolerate difference, he crushes it by forcing the other person to mold to his desires and needs. This is how the feeling of entitlement is built.

The conformist strategy is characterized by submission to the other. The conformist will tend to be too flexible in conflict resolution, even if he or she is in the decision-making position. As she often feels insecure, she will abdicate her choices in order to quickly settle conflicts. By dint of always repressing their desires, this person may develop feelings of:

• • Living from injustice
  • Feeling at the mercy of the person using the taxation strategy

• • Not feeling important to the partner
  • Wanting to make the other person miserable, insisting too much
  • Seeking a lot of attention

With the Conformist strategy often comes an increased sensitivity to feeling ignored. Because of this person’s reflex to forget himself, chances are that the more he tries to communicate his needs to the other person, the more he will do so in an “aggressive” way (screaming, crying, verbal or psychological violence, etc.). This way of reacting, in reaction to the rigidity of the other partner, will have the effect of placing the couple in a circle where the same discussions and conflicts always seem to reappear.

“Most marital quarrels are insoluble (…) Rather, we must seek to understand the difference that underlies the conflict – and learn to live with it, by honouring and respecting each other. John

Gottman, Psychology Researcher and Clinician

A Step 👣 () Towards Collaboration

How do you overcome conflict, with all its strategies and positions? It is how you respond to the emotional impasse that will matter most, not the resolution of the conflict itself. A necessary first step is to accept that you cannot meet all of your partner’s needs perfectly. Also, we must accept that our needs will probably not be met perfectly. Secondly, it is a question of putting everyone’s needs on an equal footing, even if the needs of only one partner can be met at a time.

It also means recognizing that the members of the couple are people in their own right who interact, and not a single entity with a single common reality. Each person has different values, realities and needs. Sometimes, your desire will be the one that takes precedence and in other circumstances, that of the other will take precedence, You just have to balance the frequency of each one. This can only happen when the partners are prepared to deal with the possible risks of disagreements, rejection or misunderstandings. They must also be prepared to tolerating the anxiety it causes, to be able to go beyond it and reach new horizons in the couple. And to do this, specific challenges await each partner.

The main challenge for the person in a decision-making position will be to accept the guilt felt for not having always been able to meet the needs of the other person. She must stop abusing her decision-making power by always taking her choice as a priority and have the humility to offer the other person what he or she wants. It is legitimate to choose one’s desire in certain situations, it is a matter of doing so with compassion towards the person in a position of request. To leave more room for the other person and make le.la feel appreciated and recognized, the person in a decision-making position can:

• Ask questions of the other person or answer with questions to foster dialogue and connection
• Practice putting yourself in the shoes of others, promote compassion
• To listen to the needs of the other, even if you do not respond to their request
• Accepting to be influenced by the other person, if you usually use the taxation strategy
• Feeling legitimate to meet your needs before those of your partner, if you generally use a conformist strategy

The challenge of the person in a position of request will be to accept that the partner does not meet their desires, in this particular situation. More specifically, it helps to:

• • Avoid imposing strategies to make the other person abdicate (guilt, get angry, yell, denigrate, play the victim)
  • Prevent negative feelings and thoughts towards the other Resist
  • a desire for revenge when you find yourself in the decision-making position

• • Have recognition when the partner in the decision-making position chooses to respond to the desire of the person asking for it
  • Being and remain firm, in a respectful manner, on elements that are not subject to discussion/compromise, if our strategy is typically to be conformist

A step towards collaboration starts with self-knowledge

To get out of the dynamic driven by imposing and conformist strategies, it is possible to move towards a new method, the collaborative strategy. Starting by questioning who is more imposing, who is more conformist and under what circumstances! In addition, it is important to be aware that the roles will be reversed in other circumstances and that your strategy used in the last conflict will probably colour the next ones.