SeX: Are you able to get eaten?

The role of receiving is harder than giving sexually You…

The role of receiving is harder than giving sexually

You have probably received oral sex and possibly given it. Surprisingly, most people prefer giving to receiving. Surprised? Let me explain!

Roles in SEX

It is not unusual to describe sex between two people as one partner giving and the other receiving — active/passive, or dominant/submissive. You sometimes hear one partner say to the other: “Just let go, I’ll take care of you,” while offering oral sex. These roles can sometimes get in the way of both partners’ sexual satisfaction because of the preconceptions built into them.

The giver’s role

People like feeling useful and competent sexually, and it can often turn them on to feel that their partner appreciates their oral or manual stimulation. That is why people often prefer giving oral sex rather than receiving it. The giver’s role feels rewarding by its very nature of being the more active person in the sexual exchange. It can, however, also bring anxiety about doing “a good job”. So typically we like this role when the desired results are achieved.

The opposite is often unpleasant, because we feel incompetent and insecure that we aren’t living up to our partner’s expectations. Has this internal monologue ever happened to you when your partner doesn’t seem as aroused as usual?

“What’s going on? This technique usually works…”
“Do they (still) find me attractive?”
Frantically searching for the spot or the technique that will make your partner moan or squirm with pleasure, without success
Feeling it’s taking a long time before the erection is hard enough or the vagina wet enough to feel rewarding
Fearing the other person doesn’t enjoy your touch
Anxiously asking what your partner would like, and the answer isn’t clear or helpful
Finding it long, but carrying on to please them, despite the physical discomfort (locked jaw, tired tongue, etc.)
[Insert any other anxious dialogue here…]

The receiver’s role

You might think at first that receiving oral sex would be simpler, being in a more passive position where you don’t need to perform sexually. Well, think again — for many people that isn’t the case.

“Receiving” sexually starts with recognising our intrinsic worth in order to deserve it. For many people, that is not a given. To feel worthy of receiving, we can often feel we have to offer it back before or after, to be in reciprocity — often immediate reciprocity. For others, oral sex is seen simply as preparation for penetration, so more like a task or a step to complete in order to get to the “real” thing (note: there is no such thing as the real thing!). That leaves the impression that our partner doesn’t enjoy going down on us, and we feel bad about it. More often an issue for women than for men, smell and taste are also things that worry them.

There is also pressure to get aroused quickly in order to reassure our partner that they are doing a good job. That pulls us away from the pleasure we could take in it, because we are more concerned with flattering the ego of the person going down on us. Do you recognise the following dialogues while your genitals are being licked?

“I wonder what I smell like down there. When did I last shower?”
“Do they like licking me?”
“Am I hard enough?”
“Why don’t I feel more aroused and wet?”
“Ouch, that’s too much” (but I won’t say so, because it will hurt their feelings)
“God, it’s taking a long time before I come — I hope they don’t find it too boring”
“Do I have to offer them oral sex too… I’d feel bad if I didn’t return the favour”
“She’s going down on me because she doesn’t want penetration”
“He’s going down on me just because he wants penetration… I’d like to just have oral sex”
Etc.

During oral sex, through mind-mapping, we feel that inner dialogue each partner can be having during an oral exchange. Which only feeds each person’s respective worries.

Solution 101 for enjoyable, satisfying oral sex

Giver:

Ignore and forget your sexual performance and your tongue techniques
Enjoy the touch you are giving; your partner will enjoy seeing you have fun with their body
Try to feel connected to the other person rather than stimulating the right spot
Realise you are not just giving, but receiving pleasure too.

Receiver:

Ignore your partner’s performance insecurities — there is nothing you can do about them
Give yourself the right and the self-worth to be offered this sexual gift
Let your partner admire and explore your body rather than steering them to the “spot” or the technique
Realise you are not just receiving, but giving pleasure too.

And don’t forget… sex is supposed to be enjoyable, not stressful!