Listening vs considering: the key essential to resolving your couple’s issues
Listening or Considering in a Couple: Understanding the Difference to Better Understand Each Other
In most couple conflicts, one sentence comes up again and again: “You’re not listening to me.”
Often, the response is just as quick: “Yes I am, I’m listening.”
This dialogue of the deaf illustrates a common confusion in intimate relationships: listening is not the same as considering.
Understanding this difference is fundamental, because it explains why so many partners feel misunderstood, invisible, or emotionally alone, even when communication seems to be present.
Listening in a Couple: A Necessary but Often Insufficient Action
Listening, in the strict sense, means receiving information. The other person speaks, and I am physically present. I do not necessarily interrupt. I hear the words. I may even be able to paraphrase them.
In couples, listening often takes this form:
- nodding;
- saying “I understand”;
- remaining silent while the other speaks;
- responding in a factual manner.
This listening can be sincere, but it often remains passive. It says nothing about the real impact of what is being heard. It guarantees neither emotional recognition nor concrete consideration.
This is why so many partners say: “He/she listens to me, but nothing changes.”
Considering Your Partner: A Key Relational Posture in the Couple
Considering goes much further than listening. It is an internal and relational posture. To consider the other is to recognize that what they are experiencing has value, even if we disagree, even if we do not share their point of view.
Considering implies:
- acknowledging the other person’s emotional experience;
- accepting that their feelings are legitimate from their perspective;
- integrating what is expressed into one’s reflections, decisions, or behaviors.
In other words, to consider is to leave a trace. What you say touches me, affects me, and requires me to adjust something—within myself or within our dynamic.
Listening Without Consideration: Where the Couple Relationship Weakens
In many couples, one partner speaks in order to be considered, while the other listens thinking that this is enough. The misunderstanding runs deep.
One partner may say:
“I feel lonely when we no longer touch each other.”
The other responds:
“I hear you, but I’m tired.”
The listening is there. The consideration is not.
Why? Because fatigue becomes a dead end. The implicit message is: “What you feel is real, but not important enough to influence anything.”
Over time, this dynamic creates emotional withdrawal, resignation, and even resentment.
Considering Your Partner Without Losing Yourself: Setting Healthy Boundaries
One essential point needs to be clarified: considering the other does not mean erasing yourself, giving in, or forcing yourself. It is not about saying yes to everything, nor about denying your own limits.
To consider is to be able to say:
- “What you feel matters to me.”
- “I can’t respond to your request as it is, but I want to think it through with you.”
- “I see the impact this situation has on you, and I want us to look for a path together.”
Consideration opens a space for co-construction. Listening alone can close the discussion.
Consideration and Emotional Intimacy: The Foundation of the Couple Bond
Emotional intimacy is not built through the multiplication of exchanges, but through the quality of mutual recognition.
To feel considered is to feel:
- important;
- worthy of attention;
- influential within the relationship.
Conversely, being listened to without being considered creates the impression of speaking into a void. Over time, some partners stop speaking. Others raise their voice. Others still detach emotionally or sexually.
How to Move From Listening to Considering in a Couple
In everyday couple life, moving from listening to considering can take the form of simple yet powerful actions:
- asking: “What do you expect from me when you tell me this?”;
- naming the perceived emotion before responding;
- making explicit the real impact of what has been heard;
- returning to a conversation to show that it has been integrated.
These gestures send a clear message: “You’re not just speaking. You matter.”
Listening Is Not Enough: Considering Transforms the Couple Relationship
In a couple, listening is necessary, but it is insufficient. What nourishes the bond, soothes tensions, and sustains the desire to remain engaged with one another is consideration.
Listening is hearing.
Considering is recognizing, integrating, and responding.
And for many couples, this shift marks the difference between coexisting and truly meeting one another.
Why Is It So Difficult to Consider Your Partner?
We might believe that listening should be easy, but for most couples, it is not. Adding consideration is an even more demanding step.
Considering the other potentially involves putting one’s own needs aside and prioritizing those of the partner. This does not mean losing oneself, as mentioned earlier, but it is not as easy a task as one might imagine. If one partner wants to make love and the other does not, it is impossible to respond to both desires. Not getting what one wants—even when the other’s lack of desire is legitimate and expressed appropriately—remains disappointing and frustrating.
There can also be the aspect of ego. When the other names dissatisfactions, it reflects an image of ourselves that is less favorable than we might want to see or hear, let alone consider. Even when someone speaks about “THEIR” needs or uses more mature and appropriate communication techniques, receptivity is not guaranteed.
If I have a fragile self-image and dislike having my shortcomings reflected back to me, I am more likely to become defensive rather than considerate. Whereas a person who knows their own worth and has solid self-confidence will be more able to consider these points, even if they touch a sensitive part of their self-image.
In Conclusion
We must therefore learn to tolerate the fact that not all of our needs and desires will be met by our partner and to manage this reality well—without letting it lead us to stop considering or, worse, even listening. We need to be able not to react defensively when our partner reflects an image of ourselves that is not the one we wish to receive from them, and instead try to adjust and adapt. Obviously, our integrity remains the foundation of the couple and the compass that prevents us from losing ourselves or disappearing in the name of consideration.
