Pain during sex: Can I find pleasure again?

Francois Renaud M.A 30 April 2025

Understanding Vaginismus: Treatment, Emotions, and Partner Support

Vaginismus is a condition that can deeply impact a person’s sexual wellbeing, emotional health, and relationships. It refers to the involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles, making penetration—whether during intercourse, gynecological exams, or even tampon insertion—painful or impossible. While vaginismus is often underdiagnosed due to shame or lack of awareness, it is treatable with the right support.

As sexologist, we have seen how profoundly this condition affects those who live with it—and how hopeful and empowered clients feel when they begin to understand and work through it.

What Does Vaginismus Feel Like?

People experiencing vaginismus often describe it as:

A sharp, burning, or searing pain during penetration attempts.
A sense that “something is blocking the way” or “hitting a wall.”
Anxiety or panic at the thought of penetration.
Feeling broken, ashamed, or alone, particularly when partners or even some healthcare professionals don’t understand the condition.

Many clients come in after years of confusion, frustration, and self-blame. It’s not uncommon for them to feel isolated or believe that they are the only ones struggling—when in fact, vaginismus is a fairly common issue, especially in cultures or environments where sexuality is taboo or poorly discussed.

The Treatment Journey with a Sexologist

The good news? Vaginismus is highly treatable, and working with a sexologist can provide a safe, nonjudgmental environment for healing. Here’s what the treatment process often includes:

1. Education and Normalization

We begin by demystifying the condition—understanding that vaginismus is not about a lack of desire or love, but often rooted in fear, trauma, misinformation, or a history of negative sexual experiences. Education alone can be a huge relief for clients.

2. Mind-Body Awareness

Learning to tune into the body’s responses is key. Techniques such as breathing exercises, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, and grounding techniques help reduce overall anxiety and promote a sense of control.

3. Pelvic Floor Therapy

A referral to a pelvic floor physiotherapist may be recommended. They work specifically on relaxing and retraining the pelvic muscles, often using manual therapy and biofeedback.

4. Gradual Exposure

Using vaginal dilators is a common and effective part of treatment. With guidance, clients learn to insert gradually increasing sizes, building confidence and desensitizing the fear response over time.

5. Couples Therapy and partnership Tools

If in a relationship, couples sessions can help address feelings of rejection, guilt, or confusion that often arise. Open, respectful dialogue is essential to ensure both partners feel supported and informed.

Emotional Landscape of Healing

Healing from vaginismus is not just physical—it’s deeply emotional. Clients often move from shame to self-compassion, from fear to curiosity, and from isolation to connection. Many express a sense of rediscovered agency and sexual identity, even if full penetration isn’t immediately possible.

Setbacks can happen, and they’re normal. What matters most is consistency, patience, and support—from oneself and, ideally, from a caring partner.

How Partners Can Help

Partners play a crucial role in the healing process—not by “fixing” anything, but by being present, understanding, and patient. Here are some ways they can help:

Believe and validate: Let your partner know you trust their experience and believe what they’re feeling is real.
Remove pressure: Avoid any pressure for penetration or performance. Focus instead on non-penetrative intimacy, emotional closeness, and sensual connection.
Be involved: Attend therapy sessions if invited. Learn about vaginismus together.
Communicate: Keep dialogue open. Express support and reassure them that your intimacy isn’t conditional on penetration.
Celebrate progress: Small victories—like using a dilator or having pain-free external touch—are worth celebrating together.

Final Thoughts

Living with vaginismus can feel lonely—but it doesn’t have to be. With the right support system, guided therapy, and compassionate communication, healing is not just possible, it’s probable.

Every journey is unique, and no one should feel ashamed for needing time or support to reconnect with their body and their sexuality.

If you or your partner is dealing with vaginismus, know this: you’re not alone, you are not broken, and help is available.