I want to open my relationship: How do I go about it?
Negotiating Non-Monogamy
Non-monogamy, in its many forms (polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, etc.), is built on a fundamental principle: negotiation. Unlike monogamy, where relationship rules are often implicit and largely dictated by social norms, non-monogamy requires explicit communication and clear agreements between partners.
But how can one successfully negotiate an open relationship without falling into common pitfalls? From a sexologist’s perspective, here are the essential elements to discuss as well as the ones to avoid.
Key Elements to Discuss in a Non-Monogamy Negotiation
1. Motivations and Individual Needs
Why does one want a non-monogamous relationship? Is it driven by a desire for freedom, diversity, or personal growth? Or is it to avoid frustration or a breakup? Clarifying these motivations helps establish a solid foundation and prevents the reproduction of problematic patterns.
2. Boundaries and Comfort Zones
Each partner has their own limits. Some may be more comfortable with extramarital sexual experiences than emotional bonds, while others may feel the opposite. Defining what is acceptable and what is not helps prevent unnecessary harm.
3. Managing Emotions and Jealousy
Jealousy is not the enemy to be eliminated, but an emotion to understand and tame. How does each partner experience it? What tools and strategies can help manage it? A successful negotiation includes a space to express insecurities without judgment.
4. Transparency and Communication Rules
- How often should discussions take place to adjust agreements?
- What types of information should be shared? Some couples prefer full disclosure, while others opt for a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach.
- What are the preferred means of communication?
5. Time Management and Priorities
Balancing primary and secondary partners can be a challenge. How can one ensure that no one feels neglected? What role do new partners play in daily life? How should one manage New Relationship Energy (NRE)?
6. Sexual Health and Safety Practices
Using protection, regular STI testing, and discussing multiple partners are crucial aspects to prevent unnecessary risks and maintain mutual trust.
7. Adjustments and Revisions of the Relationship Agreement
A relationship agreement is not set in stone. It should be periodically reassessed based on lived experiences and personal growth.
Pitfalls to Avoid in the Negotiation Process
❌ Imposing Non-Monogamy as a Non-Negotiable Condition
If one partner feels forced to accept non-monogamy under the threat of losing the relationship, it is no longer a negotiation but an ultimatum.
❌ Assuming Everything is Settled After One Conversation
Needs evolve, emotions change. A single discussion is not enough; ongoing dialogue is essential.
❌ Using Non-Monogamy as a “Fix” for a Troubled Relationship
Opening a relationship to “save” a struggling couple is often a mistake. It is better to resolve existing issues before introducing such a complex dynamic.
❌ Minimizing Negative Emotions
Fear, insecurity, or jealousy should not be dismissed under the pretense that non-monogamy is a rational or progressive choice. Ignoring these emotions can lead to deep frustrations.
❌ Applying a Rigid Model or Copying Another Relationship
Every couple functions differently. What works for some (relationship hierarchy, complete freedom, etc.) may not necessarily work for others.
Conclusion
Negotiating non-monogamy means co-creating a framework that respects each person’s needs and boundaries. It is not a one-sided contract nor merely a permission granted to one partner. A successful negotiation relies on honesty, adaptability, and continuous communication. By avoiding common pitfalls and addressing key aspects, it is possible to build a healthy and fulfilling open relationship.
And you, what values and needs would you want to be included in a relationship negotiation?
Consult our team of professionals to help you navigate the best open relationship
