{"id":436,"date":"2018-04-16T20:42:12","date_gmt":"2018-04-16T18:42:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/montreal.sexcoupletherapy.com\/?p=436"},"modified":"2018-04-16T20:42:12","modified_gmt":"2018-04-16T18:42:12","slug":"sex-like-climbing-mountain-top","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/lesexologue.ca\/en\/2018\/04\/sex-like-climbing-mountain-top\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex is Like Climbing a Mountain Top"},"content":{"rendered":"

Photo by\u00a0arianneclement.com<\/a><\/p>\n

Great Sex Requires Effort<\/h1>\n

Nothing in life that is worth it comes easily. Sex might be natural, but it is not innate to humans…well not good sex anyways. We have to learn how to have sex by exploring ourselves and our partner to eventually become great lovers. When we have our first sexual encounters with a partner, it can be relatively simple, fluid and fun. We can quickly feel connected to that person and feel a rush of intense physical sensations. The newness of the experience is very thrilling as we discover bits and pieces of that other person’s sexuality. Little effort is required as we get rapidly sexually aroused and sexual desire is spontaneous and frequent.<\/p>\n

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So why doesn’t that last in long-term\u00a0relationships? Why does it take so long to get sex started and so much effort to feel sexual desire after a few years? Sexual redundancy<\/a>, predictability, recurring and unresolved conflicts<\/a> are the main reasons for such issues.<\/p>\n

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Your Sex Mountain and its Summit<\/h2>\n

We can compare sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At first, we start at the bottom where it is relatively easy to explore and walk around. No altitude, no inclination, just easy breezy discovering of each other. We discover multiple paths, some of which are easy hikes and others that look treacherous\u00a0to impossible to climb. The easy\u00a0hikes are the ones we normally pick first.\u00a0The path you choose determines what type of relationship and intimacy you will have.\u00a0<\/strong>Some are differences and conflicts you perceive and avoid at the beginning of the relationship, which will inevitably come back. We also only let each other discover from one another what we are willing to show and see.<\/a> We want to avoid rejection, so we don’t really risk being really known, especially when it comes to sex.<\/p>\n

There comes a time where we have explored sexually the same hikes over and over again.\u00a0We do what is familiar and safe when it comes to sex.\u00a0<\/strong>Except doing the same hike (a.k.a. having sex the same way) always leads us to the same destination. We eventually get bored and tired of having the same end of the road. This might come sooner for one partner, normally the low desire partner<\/a>.\u00a0 This is where sexual difficulties start popping up. It becomes increasingly difficult to feel sexual desire for one or both partners to redo the same hike one more time. This has consequences on sexual arousal (erection & lubrification) over time, which creates impatience, frustration and displeasure from sex for most couples.<\/p>\n

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Wanting more from sex<\/h3>\n

To explore sex in different ways requires tackling a couple of obstacles to get where we want to. We must explore parts of the mountain that we thought we could avoid or\u00a0hikes we didn’t even think possible.\u00a0\u00a0This pushes us out of our comfort zone because these paths are unknown and more dangerous to the relationship. We must learn and acquire new ways of having and being in sex.\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong>Unfortunately, a lot of couples do not want to put the effort required to reach the summit of their (sexual) mountain.<\/p>\n

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” Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don’t make a great mix <\/strong>for<\/strong>\u00a0satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don’t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Tolerating discomfort to explore your sexual self<\/h3>\n

Sometimes, we don’t even want to acknowledge our sexual self. We limit our behaviors based on our sexual education that integrated negative messages about it. We follow these unwritten rules without putting them into question and we fall short on our sexual evolution. We avoid the dark side of the mountain.\u00a0Couples often report in couples therapy sessions, that what happens in their head is far more exciting than what is going on in bed with their spouse.\u00a0<\/strong>When I ask the question why can’t both be the same: they all fear their partner’s reactions and judgment about their sexual preferences and who they are sexually.<\/p>\n

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Are you willing to discover your true sexual self?<\/h2>\n

Feeling discomfort and sexuality normally don’t make a great mix\u00a0for\u00a0satisfying sex. That is true, but nothing is really worth it if you don’t push yourself a little and get out of your comfort zone. Taking the bulls by the horns and climbing those hikes on our sex-mountain that are more hazardous and tiresome will give us a way better viewpoint and understanding of our partner.<\/p>\n

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” It is important not to lose your integrity while attempting this exploration. It’s to find new comfort\u00a0zones and pleasures that used to be frightening or discomforting in the past”<\/strong><\/p>\n

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If you wish sex to remain easy and without effort, that is your choice to make. Although, you will have to stay at the bottom of the mountain and keep having the same sex redundantly. You will never get to achieve or obtain your full sexual potential nor reach the summit. #areallyniceview<\/p>\n

So, what is it that we have to do?<\/h3>\n

Life as a couple is really hard, especially if you add kids to the mix (a.k.a. ball busters). Fortunately, it is not impossible of a challenge to overcome. #Challengeaccepted!<\/strong> First and foremost, you have to prioritize your relationship and sex as well as develop your\u00a0sexual creativity. You will need to tolerate disclosing parts of your sexuality that you wanted to keep hidden even from your partner. Perseverance when facing these harsh times and even failures is key to success.<\/p>\n