The first part of couples therapy with respect to sexuality is to establish productive reactions to the difficulty that inhabits the relationship. Often the couple presents themselves with one of the partners categorized as the “patient” and the other as the “accompanist” of the therapy. Sometimes they agree with the assigned positions while other times it is a matter of conflict.

It often happens that the “accompanist” of the therapy has reacted strongly at the beginning of the difficulty by feeling targeted and guilty. For example, a man has difficulty with his erections and his partner thinks he or she is not attractive enough to the other. This creates pressure on the partner to reassure their partner’s low self-esteem. This pressure creates performance anxiety that influences pleasure and arousal at the next sexual intercourse and the vicious circle begins.

The reaction of the “accompanying person” can also be anger against the “patient”. For example, the lack of desire in one partner often leads to frustration in the other who no longer has his sexual desires satisfied. Often, the guilt mentioned above eventually becomes anger and bitterness if the situation does not change. Unfortunately, these negative reactions do not help a sexual difficulty in a couple.

When couples perceive difficulties in bed as a sporadic and temporary event, it often reduces the factors that maintain sexual dissatisfaction. A defeatist attitude or one that dramatizes the difficulty usually increases the problem. The partners no longer see each other as collaborating in the relationship, but as combative. The actions of one person cause a reaction in the other, especially in emotionally close couples.

For many people, sexuality is an area of their lives where they are fragile and vulnerable. When sexual difficulties arise that do not flatter their ego and call into question their desirability or their “sexual competence”, the reactions are regularly harmful to the well-being of the couple.

---

 

• How do you feel when your partner isn’t as as you’d like them to be?
• How do you deal with when the other person refuses your sexual advances?
• Do you believe that sexuality should be natural and simple?

 

 

• How do you perceive a sexual difficulty within a couple?
• How important do you attribute to sexuality in the satisfaction of your couple?
• Do you believe you are responsible for your partner’s sexual pleasure?
• Who is responsible for YOUR sexual pleasure during sex?

 

---

The answers to the above questions determine the impact of our reaction to a sexual difficulty. People who take sexual difficulties personally or who blame the other partner for their lack of satisfaction add to the problem.

Caregiver management for a sexual difficulty

---

Learn more about the author

François Renaud M.A.
Sexologist & Psychotherapist Downtown Montreal