Sexual performance and decreased satisfaction

Breaking the Barriers That Stand in the Way of Your Pleasure: The Quest for Sexual Performance

Technically Flat: The Pressure of Sexual Performance

We all want to be successful in sexuality. We want to be good to prove and reassure ourselves that our partners will enjoy their sexual experiences with us. We also inculcate in the media, with our friends and even in the family that sexuality and performance are the order of the day in the bedroom or in the shower or any other room where we can have sex.

Performance, on the other hand, brings a routine in sexuality. As we want to please the other person and be sure to do so, we don’t dare to change our techniques or our way of doing things. When something works in sex, we use it to the fullest and sometimes we even abuse it to such an extent that if it doesn’t work anymore, we try again and again wanting the result of yesteryear.

Alas! Sexuality becomes too technical, redundant and flat. Sexuality is a task to be accomplished rather than a pleasure for two; An exchange of orgasms where everyone masturbates into each other to find a semblance of sexual satisfaction. Do you recognize yourself? You can learn more about couples therapy also here.

The media convey constant messages about the importance of performance in sexuality: movies, commercials and everyday conversations bombard us with models where perfect sex is always linked to technique, duration and endurance. We are led to believe that sexuality is a series of criteria to be met rather than a shared and fulfilling experience. This idea of sexual performance is thus reinforced in everyday life, where we seek to be perfect, to satisfy the other, and to have an intimate life “like in the movies”. This puts considerable pressure on individuals, especially when this quest for perfection overshadows the actual pleasure.

To hell with orgasm

Well, good good… orgasm is good! It’s extraordinary even and really thrilling. But we agree that the whole thing takes a big max 6 to 8 seconds in general, sometimes more, but rarely. We have built a social craze around orgasm to such an extent that it is for many people the one and only criterion for satisfaction with their sex life. No orgasm, no pleasure so no sexual satisfaction.

Orgasm, Sexual Performance, Sexologist Montreal Psychotherapist

Living your sexuality to the fullest

If we consider that a sexual relationship lasts an average of 5 to 20 minutes from start to finish and that the only criterion evaluated to be happy is the 8 seconds of the end, we might think that the other 292 to 1192 seconds must not be super trippy if all the satisfaction is based on orgasm.

But is this really the truth? Isn’t it a bit reductive to base an entire sex life on such a fleeting moment? Sure, orgasm is an intense pleasure, but focusing solely on it can cause us to miss out on all the richness of the sexual experience. Why reduce sexuality to a simple physical and short outcome? Why not enjoy the journey itself, rather than aiming exclusively for the destination?

Sexual performance leads to dissatisfaction

Fewer orgasms, more satisfaction

If we changed the paradigm of sexuality from having as many orgasms as possible, to getting as much pleasure as possible, we would already start to improve our sexuality. Many will say that it goes hand in hand and that the more orgasms you have, the more pleasure you have. False! Orgasm is only a sign that your body is functioning physiologically at the level of sexual response.

We sometimes put our attention and our intentions so much during the sexual act to achieve it that we don’t even take pleasure in going there anymore. This is why orgasm also becomes important in sexuality, because eventually, it is indeed the only pleasure we find with our partner or during masturbation. The next time you have sexual activity, whether alone or with one or more other people, become aware of your internal speech.

What do you say to yourself during sexual activity?
What are you thinking about?
What emotions do you feel?
What are you focusing on?

What place does your sexual pleasure take?
Are you connected to your body, your sensations?
How do you react when arousal starts to decrease (less lubrication or loss of erection)

What role does your partner’s pleasure play?
Are you too focused on theirs compared to yours?
Is one more important than the other?

What happens if you or your partner doesn’t have an orgasm?
Does he have to have penetration for the sexual relationship to be considered “complete”?

You don’t give the other person an orgasm… you give yourself one

We like to tell ourselves and make ourselves believe that we are the ones who give our partner the orgasm. It comforts us in our sexual skills and our confidence increases, but momentarily. Most of the time, we try to have our ego flattered rather than our genitals. In reality, we don’t give our partner an orgasm, he or she gives it to himself or herself with our help. On the other hand, it doesn’t inflate our sexual ego when the orgasm arrives and we realize that it wasn’t us who gave it.

As most people, both men and women, find themselves in a sexual performance, they therefore seek to prove to themselves and others of their sexual abilities. When everything works well (reaching orgasm), we are reassured and our sexual ego is flattered. So, the majority focus on getting an orgasm at home and the other to reassure themselves. When obtaining it is difficult or impossible, we begin to doubt our skills or sometimes blame the other person if we are particularly fragile in our sexual esteem.

So, rather than enjoying sex with our partners, we focus our attention on performing. When it turns out to be more difficult than expected, we become worried and the feeling of incompetence kicks in. We apprehend sexuality rather than anticipate it. We fear failure and anxiety invades us more and more. This anxiety tends to interfere with the physiological functioning of our body on a sexual level (loss of erection, rapid ejaculation, pain during penetration, anorgasmia, loss of sexual desire, etc.).

Sometimes we are functional, but that doesn’t mean that our insecurities aren’t there. They are simply camouflaged by our sexual success (reaching orgasm). More often than not, people are anxious during sex, without realizing it!

Flatter my ego and I’ll flatter yours!

As I said earlier, we often prefer to have our ego flattered rather than our genitals. Just as we want our ego to be flattered, we also want to make sure that the other person’s ego is flattered as well. So, not only do we have to worry about our sexual insecurities of incompetence, we also have to reassure the other person in his or her insecurities. Whew!! Sexuality doesn’t seem as attractive and rather heavy in this way anymore. Unfortunately, this is usually the case for the majority of couples. All this is happening because we are in a performance paradigm.

Signs of sexual performance dynamics:

Have you ever found it too long to get your sexual arousal up thinking that the other person would feel bad or sexually puffy?
Have you ever reassured the other person of your difficulty lubricating, getting an erection or reaching an orgasm?
Have you ever read articles, books or watched videos about sexual techniques? Why?

Do you ever feel useless when you receive oral sex or immediately indebted to the other?
Do you feel that the other person is doing oral sex for you and that he or she is not enjoying it?
Did you limit the duration of oral sex because you feel guilty for your partner who wasn’t stimulated at the same time?

Do you sometimes frantically search for the G-spot or a place that will excite your partner quickly and enormously?
Do you continue despite physical discomfort sexual stimulation with your fingers, mouth or with penetration to give or obtain an orgasm?
Are you concerned about the frequency of sex in your relationship compared to other couples?

Do you always do the same positions to make sure you get or give each other an orgasm?
Are you worried about ejaculating too quickly or not at all, losing the erection, not lubricating enough?
Are you comfortable with your nudity, no matter the sexual position, the brightness of the room, or the face you have when you have an orgasm?

Experiencing something other than performance anxiety

Does this article reach you and do you recognize yourself in many of these aspects? Would you like to take your sex life to the next level and improve your sexual satisfaction in ways other than just having more orgasms?

Focus more on sexual presence and your pleasure.
Put your ego aside and have fun with your partner.
Take the time to savor every second of your sexual activities, not just the 8 seconds at the end.
Look your partner in the eye more often and pay attention to how you feel when you stimulate or caress the other person.
Let your partner deal with their sexual insecurities, not completely ignoring them, but simply acknowledging them.