There is a fundamentally different element between self-validated sexual desire and all the other types of desire mentioned in the previous texts. It is at the level of intimacy that the difference occurs, more specifically our self-perception and authenticity. The feeling of desirability is based, for many people, on the perception that their partner has of them in this regard. This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in a couple that is at the attachment stage. At the beginning of a romantic relationship, we seek to obtain and offer validation and approval, especially in sexuality. We want to be desirable in the eyes of the other, we try to find out if we are capable of pleasing sexually, of seducing, of being loved. All this is necessary and pleasant in a couple, however in the long term this dynamic begins to weigh heavily on sexual desire.

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There are four fundamental elements that play into sexual desire in long-term

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These four elements play a very important role in our sense of desirability and our ability to desire our partner. A person may have a high level of sexual desire, but it is not directed towards their partner with whom they have potentially lost respect during the long years of living together. Following numerous conflicts, disappointments, rejections, loss of integrity and low blows (Normal marital sadism) in our sexual relationships, we may have diminished the admiration we have for our partner and weakened our own self-esteem. This situation leads partners to look for validation by the other to feel desirable and desiring. This dynamic translates into other words: “I would like you to find me desirable, because I am not capable of finding myself desirable on my own.”

It is often said that self-confidence, self-assurance and assertiveness are qualities that arouse desire in others. However, a long-term relationship highlights the weaknesses and the search for approval of each of the partners. This reduces sexual desire in one or both partners. The Wedding rings between the members of the couple often become collusive, combative or non-existent. This difficult transition for couples from the past of a Validation by others to a Self-validation requires a commitment to oneself and a Collaborative alliance in the relationship. Some couples have the ability to go through this stage by their own will and Emotional balance. However, many will require the help of a Specialized sexologist in couple sex therapy. This process, with or without the help of a professional, will force the partners to confront themselves on their own anxieties, frailties and insecurities and to validate themselves in moments high in emotions and sexual intimacy.

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François Renaud M.A.